I was surprised to see a terrible scowl on the face of my conservative friend Grump. He chomped so hard on his martini olive that the toothpick snapped.
”I warn you,” he said, ”I`m in no mood to be provoked.”
Provoked? I would think your spirits would be soaring.
”Are you insane?” he said. ”This is one of the blackest days in American history.”
I`m baffled. Your man Bush has virtually sewed up the nomination, while the Democrats can`t find a candidate and are in disarray. The polls show that Bush can trounce any of them. I would think you would be celebrating.
”How can I celebrate when we are witnessing a miscarriage of justice.”
Ah, you`ve done your tax return.
”No, you pinko, I`m talking about those great patriots, Ollie North and John Poindexter.”
Oh, you mean their indictments.
”Indictments isn`t the proper word. Crucifixion is more accurate.”
But Grump, it appears that they have violated a considerable number of our laws. Haven`t you always been a law and order man, just like our commander in chief?
”Of course I have. But that`s not what law and order is about.”
What is it about?
”Muggers.”
Well, we are all against muggers. But there are other forms of law breaking, too.
”Right. Purse snatchers. Cheating welfare mothers. Gold chain snatchers. Hubcap thieves and dope peddlers.”
You`re referring to the common street criminals.
”Of course. All these off-brand races and nationalities that are roaming our streets. That`s where we need law and order. Why, the police could go into any big city slum, scoop up the first 50 worthless idlers they see, and they`d have enough evidence to send 49 of them to prison.”
Why not all 50?
”Because some tricky liberal lawyer would find a loophole and get one of them off.”
Grump, the fact remains that we are a nation of laws and North and Poindexter were obliged to obey them.
”Nonsense. There are times when one must be guided by conscience and a sense of patriotism and honor. Even Fawn Hall knew that.”
Yes, Ms. Hall is a noted legal scholar.
”Don`t be snippy. Our nation was in mortal danger. Did you expect North and Poindexter to sit idly by?”
No, but I don`t think they should have been running arms to the crazy ayatollah without mentioning it to the rest of us.
”I knew you`d say something dumb like that. What do you think people would have said if they knew? What do you think those traitors in Congress would have said?”
They would have said that they shouldn`t be doing it.
”Exactly. So how can you expect them to do their patriotic duty if a lot of stupid people are going to tell them they can`t?”
Then they shouldn`t have done it.
”You are the most illogical person I know. Do you think the average boob is as well versed in international affairs as North or Poindexter? Do you think the average congressman is as aware of the dread menace of the Sandinistas as those two patriots?”
Not all Americans and congressmen are boobs, Grump.
”I didn`t say they were. Only the liberals and other riff-raff. And it is because of them that these heroes are now being treated like common criminals simply for defending our nation.”
But they exceeded their authority. And they didn`t even tell the president.
Of course, they didn`t tell him. If they had told him, he might have been in trouble, too. So it would have been disloyal of them to tell him.”
Well, if they knew that he`d be in trouble for knowing what they were doing, they should have known that what they were doing was wrong.
”No, they knew that what they were doing was right. But it would have been wrong for them to tell him what they were doing, because he would have had to tell them it was the wrong thing to do.”
Then it must have been wrong.
”No, it would have only been wrong if they told him. Since they didn`t tell him it was wrong, which was the right thing to do, they were then able to pursue the right course of action.”
I get it. If they had told him what they were doing, he would have told them it was the wrong thing to do, but he would have been wrong about that. And since he is always right, they couldn`t allow him to be wrong.
”Exactly. So by withholding the information from him, they prevented him from being wrong, and his record of always being right was intact.”
But what if he had told them that what they were doing was right. Then they would be in the clear.
”Don`t be an idiot. He couldn`t tell them that what they were doing was right because it would have been wrong.”
Ah, then you admit that they were wrong.
”No, since they didn`t tell him, they were right.”
Grump, who`s on first?
”No, who`s on second. What`s on first.”
