It is never too soon for some straight answers to all those burning Hot Stove League questions.
Q-Why is it called the Hot Stove League anyhow?
A-It isn`t. The official name is the Forced Air Furnace League.
Q-Is it pitchers and catchers yet?
A-The Houston Astros would like someone to explain the difference.
Q-If Florida gets one or two expansion teams, how will that change things?
A-The Florida teams will have to hold spring training in Pennsylvania.
Q-Will Tim Raines, Cory Snyder and Charlie Hough make the Sox better than George Bell, Danny Jackson and Dave Smith will make the Cubs?
A-Permission to print World Series tickets is being considered.
Q-How many baseball players make less than $1 million a year now?
A-The one carrying his own bags.
Q-Are the Cardinals serious about making Todd Zeile a third baseman?
A-They wanted to make him a tie rack, but they just aren`t very good with their hands.
Q-If the White Sox finish second again, will that count as back-to-back titles?
A-The word ”dynasty” may be applied.
Q-What does it mean that the Indians moved the fences back 15 feet and hired Rod Carew to be their bunting coach?
A-They will lose 5-1 instead of 9-1.
Q-That 21.5 million the Red Sox paid Roger Clemens, is that dollars or is that pesos?
A-That is idiocy.
Q-When will we know if Rafael Palmeiro for Mitch Williams was dumber than Lou Brock for Ernie Broglio?
A-In the ninth inning, usually.
Q-Does the Sox`s new black-on-white logo and uniform mean the last vestige of Bill Veeck is gone and the Sox officially are now colorless?
A-The scoreboard will explode in shades of gray.
Q-If Nolan Ryan starts right now, will he have the kinks out by opening day?
A-Or his seventh no-hitter, whichever comes first.
Q-Is Jim Palmer kidding about a comeback?
A-Only himself.
Q-How does it happen that both Andre Dawson and Carlton Fisk have exactly the same number of RBIs (1,231) for a career?
A-Dawson always has been unable to lay off that first pitch.
Q-How will Darryl Strawberry fill out a Dodger uniform?
A-He`ll put the bib on the inside.
Q-Which baseball owner answered an insurance questionnaire that asked for all employees and addresses broken down by sex: ”None. Our main problem seems to be alcohol?”
A-The sober one.
Q-Which half of the season will Greg Maddux pitch?
A-The half that Mark Grace doesn`t hit.
Q-With Ivan Calderon gone, are there any Sox players left who will hit the ball with two hands?
A-Only if both hands are at the end of the same arm.
Q-Who is most likely to give Goose Gossage another chance?
A-George Foreman.
Q-What will baseball be like without George Steinbrenner?
A-Like a knee without a scab.
Q-Did Commissioner Fay Vincent really compare Steinbrenner to Saddam Hussein?
A-Vincent apologized to Hussein later.
Q-Before he was named Comeback Player of the Year, had Atlanta`s Ron Gant been anywhere?
A-Valdosta.
Q-Which football player has a better chance of sticking in the majors, D.J. Dozier or Deion Sanders?
A-Refrigerator Perry.
Q-How big a space has Barry Jones left in the Sox bullpen?
A-Now Bobby Thigpen and Scott Radinsky will have room to sit down.
Q-Is that the same Gene Michael charged with rebuilding the Yankees who stuck out like a sore thumb in Wrigley Field?
A-Or it may be his evil twin.
Q-Did Larry Himes ever find a job?
A-Unless scouting doesn`t count.
Q-If the Angels follow the Indians to Florida next spring, will there be enough baseball teams left in Arizona to play split-squad games?
A-Yes, but not enough to celebrate Martin Luther King`s birthday.
Q-Does Marge Schott really treat her dog better than her players?
A-Actually, the players prefer the St. Bernard.
