Geena Davis
Genial Productions
c/o Twentieth Century Fox
Los Angeles, Calif.
Geena, baby, how could you?
The September issue of Vanity Fair has just now come to hand, and frankly, Geena darling, I`m appalled. You could have knocked me over with an agent`s sense of morals, Geena baby, after what I saw displayed on pages 205, 206 and 207-not to speak of that hootchy-kootchy cover.
What I saw displayed, Geena sweetheart, was you-more of you than I`d hope to see if I were a shameless voyeur peeking through your window.
True, there isn`t any NC-17 stuff, or much R-rated stuff. In terms of exposed equipment, it`s no worse than something you`d find in a 1951 issue of Stag magazine. But that`s the whole point, babes. It looks like something from Stag magazine.
I mean, Geena, sweetheart, you`re wearing nothing at all except high heels and a feather boa. You look like you just stepped offstage in some low- light joint in East St. Louis.
And this other shot of you on the motor scooter with the shiny tight, tight mini. I mean, are you trying to get on the cover of Biker`s World or something? How much time did you spend with Madonna making ”A League of Their Own” anyway?
The dues and don`ts
Now, I`m about as much of a prude as I am a rocket scientist or Olympic diver. I even collect Helmut Newton pictures. My favorite is one he took of the legendary Charlotte Rampling in 1973, sitting on a library table and wearing nothing but a small glass of wine.
But, that was her ”last nude picture,” and it was taken before she became a mega mega. Now she hardly even makes it as a has-been.
You, Geena, you`re THE BIGGEST FEMALE STAR IN THE COUNTRY!
”A League of Their Own” would have been another Madonna bowwow without you playing the lead, and it grossed $13.7 million its opening weekend! Four weeks out and it totaled $70 million in 2,084 theaters! You don`t need no stinking feather boas!
You`ve already paid your dues, Geena, baby-that panties and bra scene in
”Tootsie,” those dreck comedies ”Transylvania 6-5000” and ”Fletch.”
But that was a zillion years ago. Now you`re the Geena Davis of ”The Accidental Tourist,” ”Quick Change,” and ”Thelma & Louise”!!! Can you see Thelma putting on high heels and a feather boa? If they offered to drop all the charges if she`d do that for her husband and the boys in the back of the police station, why, she`d go sailing off the edge of the canyon even faster. Ups and downs
What`s with it with Vanity Fair? A month before your American Legion Hall shot, there`s superstar Demi Moore on the cover wearing nothing on her skin but body paint-and you can still see her R-rated equipment, especially inside where they`ve got her all rubbed clean with turpentine.
It used to be that you`d see actresses taking it off for the press under only two circumstances: their I-wanna-be-a-star mode, and their I-used-to-be- a-star mode. On the way up, and on the way down.
I have this would-be actress friend in New York from a really prominent family who wants to break into the business so badly she posed wearing only a brandy glass for Playboy. All she got out of it was her mother mad at her.
Remember Suzanne Somers, of ”Three`s Company” fame? Remember all the hell she raised when Playboy dug up some old nude shots of her from when she was a nobody and ran them? Couple years later, there was Suzanne and her elsewheres all over the pages of Playboy again, only this time it was for a career boost. Last I heard, she was doing Thigh-Master commercials.
You don`t need no career boost, Geena, sweetheart. You`ve got great thighs, but you don`t need work in commercials, either.
Is this some social class, star status thing for you and Demi with Vanity Fair? What you wouldn`t do for Hugh Hefner and Bob Guccione you`ll happily do for Tina Brown and Vanity Fair, because it`s read in Bel-Air and on the Upper East Side?
But how did Vanity Fair treat you?
Sticks and stones
They call you ”Rita Hayworth on steroids.” They quote designer Isaac Mizrahi saying, ”What I love about her is that she really is the most un-feminine feminine woman I`ve ever witnessed. … It`s like, what would Marlon Brando look like in a dress like that? The same way that Geena Davis does.”
Geena. Baby. Marlon Brando in a dress would look like Vesuvius about to erupt.
Listen up, honey bunch. I think you`re the greatest. Absolutely. You`re the most beautiful, the most intelligent, the classiest act in Hollywood. You`ve got so much talent, I`d go see one of your pictures even if it had Liza Minnelli, Sylvester Stallone and Godzilla in it.
But you need some guidance. I don`t know if you know it-and I think you don`t, because you once called me up without going through any hired intermediaries-but most stars nowadays turn all of their appearances in the print and broadcast media over to the care of these arrogant, all-powerful, vicious, snarling, image-making guard dogs called personal publicists. The one who handles Mary Stuart Masterson makes Dr. Fu Manchu seem charming. When they`re in control, not a word or a single photo frame ever gets out unless it makes the subject look like Snow White on a good day-even when the subject is someone as snarly as Sean Young or Kathleen Turner.
Normally, I think these personal publicists ought to be treated like the prison guards I`m sure many of them once were, but Geena, baby, before you reach for another feather boa-call one!
Love,
Mikey
