MAY
1-True Item: The space shuttle Columbia manages to get aloft, carrying with it a batch of brewing beer as part of a University of Munich experiment to determine, according to an Associated Press story, “whether the weightlessness and intense cosmic rays of space can genetically alter yeast to produce tastier beer.”
2-Investigators for the Federal Aviation Administration report that in early April there were two consecutive days during which the major U.S. airlines failed to totally revise their fare structures. An alarmed Congress vows to investigate.
3-Queen Elizabeth II, pleased with the success of the Buckingham Palace tours, decides to rent Prince Charles out for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
5-NASA officials begin to suspect that the crew of the space shuttle Columbia has been messing around with the cosmic beer experiment when a crew member attempts the first nude spacewalk.
6-True Item: Just-released government documents reveal that Walt Disney was an informant for the FBI.
7-The crew of the space shuttle Columbia refuses to return to Earth for the scheduled landing, instead broadcasting a demand that NASA send up a supply rocket with “some more beer experiments and a couple of pepperoni pizza experiments.”
Just-released government documents reveal that from 1948 through 1951 Donald Duck was a member of the Communist Party. Also, “Mickey” Mouse is a woman.
8-Scientists report that they have isolated the gene that causes people to insist on showing you wallet photographs of their children, but the cure is still years away.
9-Buckingham Palace reports “very strong” sales of the three-volume Prince Charles Cellular Phone Tapes.
13-In Somalia, U.S. troops are thwarted in their effort to capture warlord Gen. Mohammed Farrah Aidid because Aidid has shrewdly registered under a false name-“Fugitive Gen. John Smith”-at the Mogadishu Hilton, where he is staying in the Warlord Suite.
15-A record total of 2,537 bargain-hunters call the Home Shopping Network and purchase The New York Post.
17-Testing a concept that will soon be available to consumers nationwide, telephone company engineers wire a Chicago neighborhood with a special fiber-optic cable that enables consumers to receive Chinese food over the phone.
22-In Los Angeles, President Clinton, acting on the advice of new public-image adviser Ed Rollins, gets a haircut.
The Chicago fiber-optic experiment goes awry when a teenage girl leaves her phone off the hook and a four-bedroom home is completely flooded with wonton soup.
25-A New York judge, after hearing extensive arguments from lawyers for Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, awards custody of the children to Marge and Homer Simpson.
27-The Clinton administration fires the White House travel staff and, after conducting what a spokesperson describes as “a totally objective nationwide search” to find a replacement, selects, as the new travel director, Roger Clinton. Asked by the press about his qualifications, the president’s half-brother states that he has “taken several, whaddyacallem, planes.”
JUNE
3-True Item: A rookie Greyhound bus driver, driving the red-eye from Atlanta to Tallahassee on his first solo trip, gets sleepy and has a passenger take over the wheel for the rest of the trip. The driver is fired when the bus reaches Tallahassee.
4-The fired Greyhound driver is immediately hired by Exxon to pilot oil tankers.
8-Fighting in Bosnia halts as soldiers for both sides line up to see “Jurassic Park.”
14-President Clinton, leaving himself open to charges that his administration has “gone Hollywood,” nominates Barbra Streisand to the Supreme Court.
15-Canada elects a new prime minister, fueling speculation that people live up there.
16-In a major boxing upset, heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield is knocked out in the second round of a title fight by Shannen Doherty and six bodyguards.
17-True Item: A consumer in Seattle reports finding a hypodermic syringe in a can of Diet Pepsi.
18-The U.S. Department of Human Persons releases the results of a $3.6 million study showing that women are six times as likely as men to be named “Midge.” Congress vows action.
19-True Item: The Washington Post reports that President Clinton has a previously unknown half-brother living in California.
21-The Bulls win the NBA championship and Chicago celebrates in what has become the traditional American fashion for this type of joyful occasion. Four are killed.
23-A very bad thing happens to John Wayne Bobbitt only hours after the broadcast of the penis-severing episode of “Beavis and Butt-head.”
28-In another deficit-reduction move, Congress votes to go ahead and build a space station, but make it only eight inches in diameter.
Philip Morris introduces a low-fat cigarette.
Bored U.S. warplane pilots drop water balloons on Baghdad.
29-NBC, after a lengthy search for a wacky and zany replacement for David Letterman, announces that it has settled on Ross Perot.
30-True Item: To compensate for minor irregularities in the Earth’s rotation, official international timekeepers add one second to this day. U.S. law firms adjust their bills.
JULY
1-A consumer in Detroit reports finding a switchblade knife in a can of Diet Pepsi.
3-True Item: In the wake of a massacre at a San Francisco law firm, the head of the California Bar Association says that lawyer jokes are partly responsible.
5-In a Long Island courtroom, a stern-faced judge orders Joey Buttafuoco to purchase The New York Post.
6-In California, police arrest 23 million people for violating the state’s new anti-lawyer-joke law.
8-In a major breakthrough, Japanese trade negotiators, after two years of stiff resistance, agree to order an American pizza.
9-In a medical breakthrough, surgeons in Houston are able to remove a man’s head, take it to a baseball game, then take it back to the hospital and successfully reattach it. A hospital spokesperson states: “We are not sure of the purpose of this procedure, but it is definitely covered by insurance.”
10-U.S.-Japanese relations suffer a major setback when President Clinton, in Tokyo to finalize the trade talks, eats the entire pizza.
13-Massive flooding strikes the Midwest, only days after the massive-flooding episode on “Beavis and Butt-head.”
15-In the flood-ravaged Midwest, the toll of human misery worsens as thousands of houses are blown down by wind from helicopters carrying news crews and political leaders frowning down with concern.
18-FBI Chief William Sessions begins to sense that the Clinton administration wants him to resign when his office is surrounded by agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
22-In an extremely controversial decision, President Clinton announces that his nominee for surgeon general is Lorena Bobbitt.
25-The Food and Drug Administration announces a ban on products that contain ingredients.
29-Bell Laboratories announces that it has developed a telephone device that automatically identifies telephone solicitors, then hunts them down and beats them with sticks.
AUGUST
3-A consumer in Baton Rouge reports finding a machete in a can of Diet Pepsi.
5-Despite allegations that he has used his government access for personal gain, U.S. Commerce Secretary Ron Brown insists that there was “nothing improper” about a transaction in which he received $75,000 from Vietnamese investors in exchange for the Department of Agriculture.
9-True Item: The Associated Press reports that a Tucson woman could be President Clinton’s previously unknown half-sister.
11-In a 7-2 vote divided strictly along gender lines, the Supreme Court rules that it does not want to hear ANYTHING about the John Wayne Bobbitt case.
14-After weeks of intense debate, Congress passes, and President Clinton signs, a historic budget agreement under which everybody’s taxes will be jacked up retroactive to Jan. 1, 1973, and the federal deficit will absolutely, positively, with no loopholes, be reduced as soon as the polar ice cap reaches Ecuador.
Meanwhile, in a totally unexpected development, Burt Reynolds reveals that he is dating Woody Allen.
21-In Somalia, U.S. forces are again foiled in their efforts to capture the wily Gen. Aidid when, after appearing on his regular weekly TV show “The Warlord Hour,” he is able to escape from the studio by cleverly disguising himself with a pair of Ray-Bans.
24-The Clintons, vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, go sailing with Ted Kennedy and an estimated 4,500 life preservers.
27-In another setback for the space program, scientists at the National Aeronautics and Setbacks Administration are unable to contact the Mars Observer space probe.
28-Speaking of space probes: Michael Jackson cancels a concert in Tokyo because of what a spokesperson describes as “a headache.” The Weekly World News reports that a woman in Omaha is President Clinton’s half-mother.
30-NASA scientists finally contact the Mars Observer space probe, only to be greeted by an answering machine that does nothing except repeat, over and over, in a very pleasant voice: “Your call is important to us.”
31-An alarming new study shows that U.S. students are doing worse than ever on standardized math tests because many of them can no longer figure out how to turn on their calculators.
SEPTEMBER
1-A consumer in Boston reports finding an AK-47 assault rifle in a can of Diet Pepsi.
4-In another setback for the space program, NASA discovers that the service warranty has expired on the Mars Observer.
5-In a move strongly opposed by the National Rifle Association, the California State Legislature passes a law requiring a five-day “cooling-off” period on purchases of Diet Pepsi.
8-President Clinton and Vice President Gore, standing in front of two forklifts laden with enormous piles of government regulations, announce that they are going to reinvent the federal government. Everybody has a good laugh, especially the 23,475 employees of the U.S. Department of Forklift Affairs.
10-Congress, acting with unusual speed and urgency, forms 11 new subcommittees that will hold hearings on “reinventing” government just as soon as they hire staffs and complete fact-finding trips to see if, for example, Monte Carlo also has a government.
13-In a White House treaty-signing ceremony watched around the world, the Mideast conflict finally comes to an end as Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat, encouraged by President Clinton, engage in a historic handshake. Conflict resumes immediately when Rabin discovers that Arafat is wearing a “joy buzzer.”
16-The reinvention of the federal government continues apace as President Clinton signs an order that would eliminate the 250,000 jobs currently held by federal employees who are legally dead.
17-David Letterman begins his new show on CBS with a special surprise performance by Gen. Mohammed Farrah Aidid and the Warlords.
18-President Clinton rescinds his order under pressure from the powerful Deceased Federal Employees Union.
Michael Jackson cancels a concert in Zurich because of what a spokesperson describes as “the hives.”
20-The airline industry announces that it is tired of slashing fares and from now on is just going to periodically set fire to piles of money.
22-Loni Anderson reveals that she is dating Joey Buttafuoco.
23-In a major address, President Clinton announces that the nation’s current health-care system is bloated, inefficient, unresponsive, overpriced, wasteful and stupid, and that therefore he wants to turn control of it over to: the federal government. Extra forklifts are brought to the White House to display the plan for the new, streamlined health-care system.
25-Testifying on her health-care reform plan, Hillary Rodham Clinton is a huge hit on Capitol Hill as she is able, under close questioning, to correctly identify all the parts of the lymphatic system.
26-The nation is swept by a rumor about a gang initiation ritual in which motorists who blink their headlights at a prospective gang member are allegedly followed home and killed if they oppose NAFTA. Ross Perot has documents proving this, but he left them in his limo.
On Capitol Hill, Hillary Rodham Clinton continues to impress congressional committees by dissecting a cadaver.
27-In Arizona, the eight crew members of Biosphere 2 emerge from the totally sealed-off environment where they have lived for two years without any direct contact with the outside world. Clearly visible behind them as they walk out is a mound consisting of an estimated 5,000 Domino’s pizza boxes.
28-The federal government announces that it will participate in a joint effort with the Big Three U.S. automakers to develop a forklift capable of lifting even larger federal plans.
OCTOBER
1-A consumer in Phoenix reports finding a nuclear submarine in a can of Diet Pepsi.
2-At the government’s urging, millions of Americans receive flu shots, administered by Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Michael Jackson cancels a concert in London because of what a spokesperson describes as “postnasal drip.”
3-As tension mounts between the Russian Parliament and President Boris Yeltsin, President Clinton, in what will later be viewed as a strategic error, sends officials of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms over to help out.
4-After a tense standoff, the Russian parliament surrenders when agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Tense Standoffs blasts the parliament building with a recording of Roseanne Barr reading “The Bridges of Madison County.”
6-True Item: President Clinton announces that he wants to get the U.S. out of Somalia and is therefore sending 2,000 more troops over there.
8-In a development that receives more coverage than anything that happened all year in Bosnia, Michael Jordan announces that he will not be playing basketball this year. President Clinton vows to hold several town meetings.
11-President Clinton, in a troop-sending mood, sends U.S. troops to Haiti to restore democracy.
12-Arriving in Haiti, U.S. troops are met at the docks by several dozen shouting men and what a White House spokesperson describes as “a very large dog.” President Clinton orders them to return to the United States and try to restore democracy in Miami.
15-True Item: Researchers report that people who are listening to Mozart score higher on tests.
18-Researchers report that test-takers who are listening to “New Age” music often cannot figure out how to work the pencil.
19-In Somalia, the wily Gen. Aidid again eludes U.S. forces by swapping name tags with another warlord at the Warlords Ball.
21-In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny beating trial, after much thinking, concludes that Person A is not necessarily trying to kill Person B just because Person A happens to very deliberately bash Person B’s skull in with a brick. The verdict is applauded by scientists at the Tobacco Institute.
23-An indignant Attorney General Janet Reno warns the TV industry that it had better stop broadcasting displays of gratuitous violence such as the FBI raid on the Branch Davidian compound.
25-True Item: Researchers announce that they have developed a cream, derived from an asthma remedy, that will remove fat from thighs.
26-Millions of Americans suddenly develop asthma symptoms.
27-Wildfires rage through the hills and canyons of Southern California only hours after the broadcast of the wildfire episode of “Beavis and Butt-head.”
30-Michael Jackson cancels a concert in Norway because of what a spokesperson describes as “a problem involving his Siamese twin.”
Ross Perot claims NAFTA will cause cancer.
31-The New York Times reports that, for the first time ever, scientists have divided a human embryo into two, producing two identical clones, thereby raising the tricky ethical question of whether the embryos’ made-for-TV-movie rights must be negotiated separately.
NOVEMBER
1-A consumer in Detroit reports finding a full combat division of the Iraqi army in a can of Diet Pepsi. Ross Perot claims NAFTA will permit “giant Mexican squirrels” to cross the border and bite people.
9-In a live televised debate over NAFTA, Ross Perot, in what is widely viewed as a tactical error, bites Al Gore on the ankle; the feisty billionaire cannot be pried loose until the vice president beats him unconscious with a hard-cover copy of “Earth in the Balance.”
10-True Item: In Irvine, Calif., a cow wanders onto the San Diego Freeway. To subdue the cow, police pump 43 bullets into it.
11-A Los Angeles jury indicts the freeway cow for resisting arrest.
13-John Wayne Bobbitt goes on trial, and millions of men are forced to go around with wads of cottons stuffed in their ears to avoid hearing the phrase “cut off his penis,” which is being broadcast relentlessly, by perky cheerful female newscasters sounding even more cheerful than usual.
18-In what many observers see as a veiled threat, Sen. Bob Packwood says that his diary contains entries suggesting that “at least six members now serving in the Senate” are half-brothers of President Clinton.
20-Michael Jackson announces that he has become addicted to talking in a squeaky voice and will return to his home planet for treatment.
22-On the 30th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s death, a Los Angeles jury views the Zapruder film and concludes that the shooting was a suicide.
28-Fox TV purchases the rights to the Bob Packwood Diaries.
DECEMBER
1-A consumer in Orlando reports finding the Ark of the Covenant in a can of Diet Pepsi.
The National Football League, having somehow got its computer system mixed up with that of the Publishers Clearing House, awards a franchise to Mrs. Noreen P. Glonder of Tepid Springs, S.C.
2-The space shuttle Endeavour blasts off on a historic mission to repair the crippled Hubble Orbiting Space Punch Line.
3-After months of legal wrangling, the Senate Ethics Committee finally obtains the Bob Packwood diary but is unable to read it because the pages are stuck together.
4-Preparing for its historic repair effort, the space shuttle Endeavour docks at the Orbiting Space Hardware Store to pick up some duct tape. The Food and Drug Administration bans food.
6-An alarming new study shows that 14 percent of Americans do not speak English, and the vast majority of them write computer manuals. Prankish U.S. warplane pilots drop a Shetland pony on Baghdad.
7-Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Endeavour arrive at the Hubble telescope and discover that it has been smashed beyond recognition in a high-speed collision with the Mars Observer. The astronauts elect to go to the Orbiting Space Convenience Store for coffee.
9-The public becomes further outraged about the influence of television on young people following an incident wherein a 4-year-old Cincinnati girl, after watching the House of Representatives on C-Span, accepts large contributions from special interest groups in exchange for introducing favorable legislation.
10-In another indicator of the tough anti-crime move sweeping the nation, New Jersey approves the death penalty for talking during movies.
13-Archaeologists digging on the site of a 14,000-year-old Native American village in Montana unearth what is believed to be the world’s oldest known bingo hall.
15-A school board in Georgia votes to ban the alphabet after concerned parents point out that it can be used to spell “Satan” as well as “penis.”
18-A sheepish President Clinton announces that he finally got around to actually reading the NAFTA agreement, and it turns out that Mexico now has 124 seats in the U.S. Senate.
20-Researchers at the University of Minnesota Medical School report that if you feed rats three ounces of beer, six times a day, they (the rats) (also the researchers) have to go to the bathroom.
24-The American Medical Association expresses “grave concern” about the new Lorena Bobbitt Extremely Quick Weight-Loss Diet.
27-The Senate votes to give Texas back to Mexico. There is surprisingly little public opposition to this.
31-In a development that deeply disturbs the international community, a newspaper reports that the Chinese have agreed to sell nuclear weapons to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. We do not wish to create panic, but this news comes only hours before the scheduled broadcast of the end-of-the-world episode of “Beavis and Butt-head.” It’s best not to think about it.
Happy New Year.
