Two years ago, Angela Morten (not her real name) walked out the door and didn’t come home again. The 25-year-old day-care worker had decided that she wanted nothing more to do with her parents and seven siblings. She simply shut them out of her life.
Morten’s family was devastated. They hadn’t seen it coming. “We had always had a good relationship with Angela,” says one of Morten’s siblings, Deb Pond, 29, of Littleton, Colo. “I was shocked at how fast the situation changed.”
Morten is a “cutoff,” someone who deliberately severs ties with family members. Psychologist Carol Netzer says such broken family relationships are common.
“Families who can’t negotiate often solve their problems by throwing a member out,” says Netzer, who has a family therapy practice in New York City. “Others who can’t cope will sever ties rather than deal with the real issues.”
Such broken family relations take many forms, Netzer says. Siblings quit talking to each other. Grandparents are kept from seeing their grandchildren. A son refuses to talk to his parents.
“When someone walks out your door, you feel shamed and that you’re to blame,” says Netzer, author of “Cutoffs: How Family Members Who Sever Relationships Can Reconnect” (New Horizons Press, $13.95). “People are often relieved to find they’re not the only ones with these problems.”
In many cases, family relationships seem to break off abruptly, out of the blue. In reality, however, most people who leave exhibit warning signs well before their departure. Common signals include apathy, not investing in a relationship, and emotional and physical withdrawal.
“If you’re with someone in a room, but feel alone because they won’t engage, then that’s a warning sign,” says Netzer, who comes from a “family of cut-offs.”
Relationships often break down when there has been a big change in the family, such as death, marriage or going away to college. Most of those who sever ties are adolescents or young adults.
“In many cases, it’s a developmental separation that has gone wrong,” Netzer says. “A person may blame his family for his own problems.”
Occasionally, severing family ties can signal mental illness. A person may withdraw from his family and eventually from society, says Netzer.
But most of those who break off family ties have other reasons. Family relationships may be cruel or harmful. For cases like these, reconciliation is not an option.
Others may disappear from family life in order to avoid feelings of rejection, disapproval or a fear of failure. Often, parental rejection is at the heart of the matter. That rejection may be retaliation for going against a parent’s wishes or beliefs.
Parents sometimes refuse to accept a child because of his attitudes or lifestyle, author Margie Lewis writes in “The Hurting Parent” (Zondervan, 1980). Rejection can be a desperate attempt for control. But, Lewis writes, this type of reaction rarely turns the child around. Instead, it drives a deeper wedge into the relationship.
Another common cutoff occurs between non-custodial divorced parents and their children. Because children often remind a separated parent of painful memories and feelings, it’s all too easy to walk away, says Netzer. In fact, Netzer claims 60 percent of non-custodial parents don’t continue to see their children.
“This happens because a major part of a parent’s identity is threatened when they’re not 24-hour parents,” says Risa Garon, executive director of the Children of Separation and Divorce Center in Columbia, Md. “Few people have training on how to cope with this situation during divorce.”
Parents who cut off their children after a divorce may mistakenly believe that children are resilient and will get over it, but this isn’t true, Garon says.
“Children (who have been cut off) feel abandoned or unloved. Many act out in anger. It greatly damages a child’s perception of himself and his view of what a relationship is.”
The key to a continued healthy relationship with children during a divorce is training and support.
“We don’t like dealing with change and discomfort, but if we can anticipate it and learn how to deal with it, then that reduces the stress of remaining connected with your youngster,” says Garon. And for children who have been cut off by a non-custodial parent, it’s important to let the child mourn the loss and know it’s not his fault, Garon says.
Parents and children are not the only ones who break off relationships.
“It’s not uncommon for siblings to sever ties,” says Netzer, “especially after the death of a parent.” This often happens because the parent was the one who kept the family together or because continual contact with siblings may be a painful reminder of a parent’s death.
Stefan Geyerhofer, a family therapist and professor at Webster University in Vienna, says siblings also lose contact when their lifestyles differ greatly, and continuing the relationship would threaten a sibling’s norms or values.
“At this point, friends often take over the role of siblings,” says Geyerhofer, a co-founder of the Institute for Systemic Therapy in Vienna, “and siblings lose their function and become more useless.”
“It’s important to understand why a person cuts off a family relationship,” says Netzer, who specializes in counseling those with broken family ties. “Understanding is the first step to reconnecting.”
When Morten’s family realized that she had severed ties due to feelings of rejection and alienation, they were able to get over their anger and give Morten the space and time she needed. Then, after both sides had cooled off, the family began looking for non-threatening ways to re-establish contact.
“If you want to reconnect,” says Netzer, “you must remember to take it slow. When a person initially severs ties, their defenses are firm and reconciliation isn’t possible.”
Geyerhofer agrees. “Severing the relationship might seem to be the only solution at the time. But that doesn’t mean the relationship has ended forever. Wait for the right time for both sides to reunite. Don’t push or blame. And if there have been mistakes made, then try to forgive.”
It’s important, Netzer adds, to be patient and non-confrontational. One possible way to reconnect is by using an intermediary — a pastor, counselor or common friend. Others have found that writing short notes is a good way to let the other person know you still care.
When Brent and Michelle Tollman of Ontario, Calif., (who asked that their real names not be used) found out their 15-year-old son, Brandon, was using drugs, they sat him down and told him what they expected of him as parents. That evening Brandon ran away, eventually ending up with his divorced father upstate. The teenager refused all contact with his mother and stepfather.
“Our experience with Brandon is one that I don’t wish on any parent,” says Brent Tollman. “It was difficult because a parent assumes that they’re probably guilty of driving their kid away.”
The Tollmans, however, didn’t give up on their son.
“Although we were torn up over this, we decided to keep the lines of communication open by sending cards for all holidays and presents for birthdays and Christmas,” says Tollman. “When Brandon graduated from high school, we got tickets and surprised him at the graduation. During all this time, we didn’t hear from him except when we initiated the effort.”
Time passed and Brandon married. Two years later, the Tollmans were surprised to receive Christmas gifts from Brandon and his new wife. From there the relationship slowly grew into a mutual friendship.
“One of the secrets I believe is that we never tried to find out why Brandon did what he did,” says Brent Tollman. “We’ve talked about that time briefly, but never tried to place blame or make him feel guilty. It took a while, but the relationship has grown to one of common respect and love.”
So just how can a shattered relationship be repaired?
The first step is trying to understand why the person left. “If you really have no idea of why someone cut you off, then it’s good to write a letter saying you haven’t seen the person in a while, and asking if you have done something to offend them,” Netzer says. If the letter brings no response, then ask a mutual friend for help in discovering the reason for the cutoff. That mutual friend may know more than you do.
Once you have an idea of what went wrong, Netzer advises the use of “bridges” to start down the path to reconciliation. Such bridges can include anything that brings the two parties together. It may be reminding the cut-off person of pleasant times you had together in the past.
Another effective bridge, Netzer says, is to write short letters updating the other person on recent happenings with people you both know, such as people getting married or babies being born. Leaving phone messages, sending small birthday gifts or meeting in a neutral, non-threatening environment can also be successful ports of re-entry.
Still, Netzer says, it’s important to realize that there may be no response for a long time. “Reconnecting can be painful. You must steel yourself against hurt.”
At what point do you say enough is enough and quit working on a one-sided relationship? Netzer advises asking yourself: “Am I more miserable going through the horror of reconnecting? Is it worth it? Or can I live without this person?”
If the answer is to quit pursuing the broken relationship, then most people need to go through a grieving process, Netzer advises.
“You need closure for a relationship that has died. Some people write a closing letter to the other person, stating that they still care but can’t try anymore.” At that point, she adds, the relationship is in the other person’s hands.
Netzer gives the example of one woman whose 30-year-old son completely severed ties. The devastated mother tried for years to reach out to her son, even traveling across the country to see him. The son still refused to see his mother. Eventually, for her own sake, the woman had to stop trying. She wrote her son a letter stating that she loved him and that the door would always be open, but that she had to stop writing. Although the son has never responded, the woman believes that finding closure has helped her accept the situation and move on.
Still, for families like Morten’s, reconciliation can be successful. After two years of calls and letters, Morten contacted her family. Both sides took tentative steps, and today Morten is involved with her parents and siblings.
“We can choose our friends, but not our families,” says Geyerhofer. That makes it all the better when a family can get along.
