Perhaps no other aspect of adolescence inspires more rocketing emotions and awkward moments than the first crush: the idea that the boy you thought was a sloppy creep–or the girl who was a pig-tailed snob–might be transformed into a romantic interest.
As investigators and experts continue to piece together the motives and psychology of the boys charged in the shooting rampage at an Arkansas school, one angle repeatedly has surfaced: that both Andrew Golden, 11, and Mitchell Johnson, 13, may have recently been jilted by classmates they perceived as girlfriends.
Certainly the notion of children pairing off at very young ages is not new, and in many schools today, kids tend more toward pack dating than “going steady.” But the Jonesboro case has put the subject in the spotlight and provoked discussion about the contemporary nuances of early romance.
The news left some parents and kids pondering the nature of such relationships–and their sometimes tumultuous endings.
Gillian Falknor, 14, an 8th grader at Thomas Middle School in Arlington Heights, said schoolyard romances are sparked as early as 5th grade. By middle school, the flirtations escalate to the point where it is commonplace for 6th graders to be named as a couple.
“When someone you like breaks up with you, it is very upsetting,” Falknor said. “It can be so hard that some kids go see a counselor. It’s a rejection because having a boyfriend or girlfriend makes some kids feel secure.”
Though many parents had viewed puppy love as something sweet and innocent, a predictable rite of passage, some now can’t help but wonder if there is a dark side to these precocious pairings.
If nothing else, the ever-earlier average onset of puberty among girls may have heightened the emerging sexual tensions of such relationships and created a greater chasm between an immature boy’s longing and the reality of a girl’s response.
One Orland Park mother– whose 11-year-old son likes a girl in his class–said she needs to rethink this fledgling relationship in wake of the Arkansas shootings.
“I honestly thought this was a healthy segue into adulthood,” said the mother, whose son recently purchased a $50 ring for the girl with money he had saved. “There’s so much emphasis on the dangers of hanging out with the `wrong’ kids that when your child is hanging with a nice girl, you sort of encourage it. Now, I worry that I may be sending a wrong message.”
Actually, the message is everywhere, experts say. Pre-adolescence has always been a time of heightened sexual awareness–of first bras and hose. The difference is that the dial has been turned up so that everything happens earlier.
The slightly suggestive lyrics of rock ‘n’ roll listened to by junior high students in the ’60s and ’70s are now the overtly sensual images of MTV, watched by 4th and 5th graders; boy-girl dances may now be boy-girl sleepovers.
The Saturday afternoon “action” movie is usually R-rated, and demure dresses have been replaced by halter tops and Spandex, whether you live in Nebraska or New York City.
“There are just a lot of toxic elements in the culture right now,” said Mary Pipher, a psychologist in Lincoln, Neb., and author of “Reviving Ophelia.”
Biological reasons also explain why childhood has all but disappeared. In the course of a century, the average age of first menstruation has gradually dropped from 14 to 12.5, a physical acceleration attributed, in part, to better nutrition.
A recent study by University of Chicago researchers Martha McClintock and Gilbert Herdt showed that sexual stirrings typically start around age 10–well before puberty, which is usually defined as the age when the ability to procreate begins. In fact, McClintock and Herdt speculate that the behavioral signs of puberty–such as sexual attraction–may actually begin around age 6, when the adrenal glands produce sex hormones, but the actual physical changes occur later.
One Flossmoor mother related a story about the breakup of her 13-year-old son, who had one foot in childhood and the other in adulthood.
“He just sat on my lap and just sobbed and sobbed,” she said. “It was pretty much a phone relationship–they never went anywhere–so I was very surprised . . . totally unprepared for the intensity of his feelings.”
Such experiences, though, should never be dismissed by adults, said Dr. Virginia Bishop-Townsend, who specializes in adolescent medicine at the U. of C. Children’s Hospital.
“If a girl rejects (a boy), there is the fear of ridicule of peers and . . . it can be quite devastating,” she said. “Put that on a kid who may be unstable emotionally or not have a very balanced social or family life . . . and some very bad things can happen.”
And it can happen to kids with the most attentive, plugged-in parents. Judy Carlson of Palatine still cringes when she recalls the night she spotted a cluster of her daughter’s adolescent friends exchanging passionate moments in the darkness of her basement during a boy-girl party.
“When I checked on the kids, some of the girls were sitting on boys’ laps, and the couples were kissing,” Carlson said. “I walked away because my daughter was not one of them, and I didn’t feel it was my place.”
Still, after the party was over, Carlson pulled her daughter aside for a heart-to-heart talk, expressing her concern that the middle-school guests were letting puppy love get out of hand.
“It puts too much pressure on the other kids to have relationships, and they’re just not ready for that,” she said.
Amy Clements, 13, also attends Thomas Middle School in Arlington Heights. Though her mother, Jodie, has allowed Amy to attend school dances, she draws the line at dating.
“No way. Maybe at 16,” Jodie Clements said. “Children this age should be finding love at home and at church. If they’re not, they’ll go elsewhere.”
Experts agree that it is peers–more than puberty–who most influence whether kids are involved in relationships with the opposite sex. Usually, the higher you are on the social pyramid, the more pressure there is to play “grownup.”
“It’s mostly the popular people who have those big relationships,” said Amy Clements.
And a breakup can represent not only the loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend, but the child’s place on the social firmament.
“If a child feels this is important and they feel deserted or ignored, they will take that in a very personal way,” said Richard Weinberg, director of the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota. “That relationship may be important to them even though it may be a very distorted view of what that relationship really is.”
Weinberg and other psychologists suggest that parents help children ease into male-female relationships by encouraging them to invite a third friend along, for instance.
“I struggle with the idea of 11- and 12-year-old kids going steady,” Weinberg said. “And parents set this up. They get a kick out of it. They think, `Isn’t it neat that Tommy’s got a girlfriend?’ We’re distorting the notion of what life is all about in prepubescent relationships.”
Dr. Bruce Perry, senior fellow of CIVITAS Initiative, a Chicago-based national organization that focuses on high-risk children, said today’s children are involved in male-female relationships more deeply than their counterparts of past generations.
Still, said Perry, there is also a timeless quality to a crush and the feeling that a certain boy or girl is the most important person there is.
“When you are 13, you literally think it’s the whole world–don’t you remember that?” Perry said. “The younger you are, particularly with your first serious kind of crush–where there is an element of fulfillment, where you think. `This is great,’ and she reciprocates–it is the most intense relationship of your life.
“This is literally the first time since being an infant that you have had such an intense relationship with another person. And losing it is catastrophic.”
