Most people don’t come to the award ceremonies at Tinseltown Studios in sleek black limos. They come in mini-vans, Toyotas or, in my case, a slightly beat-up Dodge. At this theme restaurant, it doesn’t matter how you get there — once you arrive, you’re a star. I’m putting in an appearance to check out the scene.
After purchasing my ticket, I line up outside the gates with about 300 other “stars” waiting for their moment in the spotlight. There’s no sign of Gwyneth Paltrow or Claire Danes, but I do see Nicole Gomez, who in a floor-length red gown makes me feel underdressed — thank goodness fashion hound Joan Rivers isn’t here. Who’s Gomez? An ordinary person, out with friends celebrating her 20th birthday. “I’m so excited,” she gushes. “I want to get on stage and win an award.”
The award she wants to win is called the Oggie, a 14-inch statuette that’s Tinseltown’s pretend version of the Oscar. Oggies are awarded for Best Actor and Best Actress.
When the gates open, we begin our stroll down the red carpet. Immediately, I’m ambushed by a pack of pushy journalists and autograph seekers, waving paper and pens in my face and snapping my picture. Then a TV reporter from Tinseltown’s fictional “Access Entertainment” show pulls me aside for an interview.
“What’s your next movie?” she asks me.
“We’ll, I’ve got a romantic comedy lined up with Leonardo DiCaprioed that starts shooting soon,” I respond. (Wild imaginations are encouraged here.)
Once inside, everyone poses for a picture with the golden Oggie. After the beauty shots, it’s time to step in front of another camera. Thanks to a little technological trickery, I make my big screen debut in “Fried Green Tomatoes,” for which I could win an Oggie for Best Actress during the next phase of the evening: the dinner and awards show.
I’m so nervous I can’t touch my chicken dinner. And it seems to take forever to get to the presentations! But finally two presenters walk on stage and announce four nominees for Best Actress. I made it! Our pictures are broadcast on large screens in front of the dining hall. “The Oggie for Best Actress goes to…” -I grip my napkin — “Gemma Van Biene.”
With a huge smile, 16-year-old Gemma runs up on stage and grabs the Oggie.
“I want to thank…”ed she goes on for about two minutes while I try to remember that line the losers use, “I was honored just to be nominated.”
But luckily for me I won’t have to face the press, because this Hollywood fairy tale ends at midnight.
Unluckily for me, so does the make-believe movie deal with Leonardo DiCaprio.
From the red-carpet entrance to the last award, the Tinseltown show lasts about two hours. It costs $34.50 to $44.50 to get in. For info, call 714-712-2700.
SPEECH! SPEECH!
Still dreaming of snagging a real Oscar someday? It never hurts to practice that acceptance speech. And keep this in mind: You’ll only annoy and alienate your audience if you:
1. Get arrogant. You remember the icy response Best Director James Cameron (“Titanic”) got for declaring “I’m king of the world!” Talk about a disaster! If you come off as a big fat showoff, you’re sunk.
2. Thank a group of people by name and leave out one person in the group.
Matt Damon, who shared Best Original Screenplay honors for “Good Will Hunting,” did it. Bad Matt, forgetting costar Minnie Driver in your acceptance speech. Or did he forget? After all, the two had just broken up…
3. Tell people how much they like you. When Sally Field won Best Actress for “Places in the Heart,” she gushed, “You like me, you really, really like me!” It gagged us, it really, really gagged us.
For the best fans money can buy…
Want star treatment? For a price, L.A.’s Rent-a-Fanclub company will have people paw at you, beg for autographs and snap your picture. The staged scenes, or “Fannings,” start at $250. Little-known actors often use them to boost their image in front of agents. Fake fans will pass them in a restaurant and say stuff like, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere? Oh, it was on `Friends’ — you were great!”
Only in Hollywood.
