Dear Ann Landers: I was married for two years to someone I thought was the most wonderful man in the world. The truth is, “Jim” was a fake. His caring, loving personality was an act. I discovered that he was insecure, controlling, mean and nasty. After much misery, I divorced him.
I was recently contacted by a young man I’ll call “Danny.” Danny’s mother met Jim online, and they are now engaged. Jim is in the process of moving in with her. Danny found my e-mail address among some of Jim’s things and wrote to me. He thinks Jim is not what he appears to be and is worried about his mother. She is not well and is taking medication for her illness, in addition to an antidepressant. Jim wants her to sell her house, stop taking medicine and move away. He says she will get well if they live in a sunnier climate.
I wrote Danny and gave him all the information I had about Jim. Apparently, Danny gave his mother my letter, and she wrote me a scathing note. It was filled with lies Jim had told her about me and a warning to leave her alone.
How can I get this woman away from Jim? He is preying on her illness and can easily abuse such a dependent person. I want to do something for Danny, but I feel helpless. Any suggestions?
–Worried in West Virginia
Dear Worried: Your heart is in the right place, but unfortunately, there is little you can do if Danny’s mother chooses to ignore your warnings. Your best bet is if Danny contacts his mother’s physician. Danny should tell the doctor the whole story, emphasizing the fact that his mother intends to stop taking her medication. If the doctor intervenes, perhaps Mom will listen. I hope so.
Dear Ann Landers: My father is dying. He was recently diagnosed with cancer and also developed a blood clot. The doctor at the nursing home said my father will never walk again.
I am sad for my father, but he is 87 years old and has lived a full life. The problem is, the doctor hasn’t told Dad about the seriousness of his condition. Dad is profoundly deaf, and it is difficult to talk to him. Should I inform Dad directly, or should I tell the doctor to give him the bad news?
–His Son in California
Dear Son: Patients often surprise their doctors, as well as their families, and do better than expected. Nonetheless, it is the doctor’s job to keep your father informed of his condition and what treatments are available. Insist on it.
Dear Ann Landers: My brother is about to be married to a woman I cannot stand. I was willing to tolerate “Enid” for his sake, but now I’ve had it.
Their wedding plans include seven bridesmaids and seven groomsmen. My brother asked Enid to include his sisters in the wedding party, but she refused. She has no sisters herself, and all her bridesmaids are high school girlfriends. Meanwhile, my brother has asked Enid’s brother, as well as my husband, to be groomsmen.
When I told my brother how hurt I was to be excluded, he insisted it is up to the bride. I no longer wish to attend the rehearsal dinner, since I am not a part of the wedding. (My husband is welcome to go alone.) I also refuse to congratulate Enid on her wedding day because I am not happy for them and I’m sure this marriage is going to fail. My mother says I have to attend the rehearsal dinner and offer my congratulations, no matter what. What do you say?
–Left Out in Minnesota
Dear Left Out: I’m with Mom. No matter how much you dislike Enid, be civil for your brother’s sake. You will lose nothing, and he will love you for it.
———-
“A Collection of My Favorite Gems of the Day” is the perfect little gift for that special someone who is impossible to buy for. Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $5.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Collection, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562 (in Canada, $6.25).
