Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to “Lewis” for 28 years. While cleaning out his car recently, I came across several photographs of naked women in erotic poses. Some of these women I recognized as friends or relatives. Also, many of the photographs were taken in my bedroom and other rooms in our home.
I confronted Lewis immediately, and he confessed that he had photographed several women during the first 15 years of our marriage. He claimed it was a “thrill” for him, but insists he never had sex with them. I don’t believe it for one second. Our sex life was never great, and I suspect part of the reason was that there wasn’t enough to go around. Eight years ago, Lewis became impotent, and our sex life dropped to zero.
Lewis tells me he is sorry about those pictures, but I cannot forgive him. He has destroyed our marriage, and I have lost all respect for him. However, he hasn’t been healthy lately, and if I throw him out of the house, he will probably die.
We are retired and had planned to spend our golden years together, but I am bitter and angry. Lewis said he stopped taking pictures years ago and I should get over it. Should I? Please give me some advice. I am . . . — Grieving in Chicago
Dear Grieving: It doesn’t matter when Lewis stopped taking pictures, his betrayal is brand-new as far as you are concerned. It will take time and patience to “get over it,” but it is worth a try.
Please see a marriage counselor, and ask Lewis to go with you. If he values your marriage, he will agree. He needs to do everything possible to earn your respect and trust again.
Dear Ann Landers: I am a 21-year-old female college student, and I have a nagging habit that drives me crazy. For the past two years, I have been pulling out my hair. While studying or reading, I can pull out at least 30 strands or more in one sitting. I don’t want to be bald in five years, but I don’t know how to kick this habit. Please help me. — Short Hair in New York
Dear Short Hair: You are suffering from a condition called trichotillomania, also known as compulsive hair-pulling. You should discuss this problem with your doctor. I also suggest that you contact the Trichotillomania Learning Center. To receive a packet of information, send $3 to TLC, 303 Potrero, Suite 51, Santa Cruz, CA 95060 (www.trich.org). Good luck, dear. I hope you will follow through.
Dear Ann Landers: I had to write about the letter from “Not Grateful in Richmond, Va.,” whose husband buys her gifts at garage sales.
I have been married for 34 years. At first, my husband bought me gifts I had no use for and didn’t like. I would return them for something more to my taste. No matter how many hints I gave him or pictures I left on his pillow, he always bought what he liked without regard to my preferences.
I finally solved the problem by telling him, “Please don’t buy me anything, and I will do the same for you. Instead, let’s save the money we would have spent on gifts and each year, take a nice vacation.” In the past 14 years, we have been to both coasts and to Europe twice. We never forget to give each other cards on birthdays and anniversaries, but the money goes into our travel kitty. — Works for Us in New York
Dear N.Y.: Congratulations on discovering how to get, and give, the perfect gift, every time. I’m sure many of those who read your letter will think the idea is wonderful. My thanks for sharing it.
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That first kiss, that first embrace. . . . Remember all those things that brought you and your loved one together? “How We Met,” a collection of sentimental love stories, will make a terrific gift for that special someone. For a copy, please send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $5.50 (this includes postage and handling) to: How We Met, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562 (in Canada, $6.50).
