Comedian Jeff Foxworthy is famous for his “You might be a redneck if . . . ” routine. But long before Foxworthy made people laugh for a living, he was a hunter. He and his brother, Jay, appeared on a recent segment of “The New American Sportsman” hunting quail.
Foxworthy said one of the main reasons he moved home to Georgia from California was so he could hunt. He joked about using a slingshot, but settled for a shotgun.
“We’ve hunted all our lives, so we can’t blame the guns,” Foxworthy said before the hunt began.
Foxworthy and his brother did just fine. Foxworthy was his usual witty self. But I kept waiting for him to launch into “You might be a hunter if . . . ” Only he never did.
Clearly Foxworthy is in need of some new material, so I’ve decided to help him out. Try these:
You might be a hunter if you hear “Lonesome Dove” is on TV and you wonder where the rest of the flock went.
You might be a hunter if your other car is an ATV.
You might be a hunter if you registered for your wedding at Galyan’s.
You might be a hunter if your wedding colors were camo.
You might be a hunter if your second home is a duck blind.
You might be a hunter if your vacation home is a tree stand.
You might be a hunter if you think the school crossing guard that’s wearing orange is going pheasant hunting.
You might be a hunter if you struggle to remember which end of the day is legal: a half-hour after sunset, or a half-hour before sunrise.
You might be a hunter if you wrote in Charlton Heston’s name for president.
You might be a hunter if your wife says check out the kids calling from the yard and you wonder how they got a hold of your Primos Western Predator Kit.
You might be a hunter if you spent your honeymoon on a safari.
You might be a hunter if one summer evening your wife suggests you read the toddler a Mother Goose story and you think that geese aren’t in season.
You might be a hunter if an old friend starts talking about a shotgun wedding and you want to know whether it was 12 gauge or 20.
You might be a hunter if you shoot an arrow into the air and where it lands, you absolutely do care.
You might be a hunter if you’re reading along and come upon the phrase “Take a bow” and all you can think of is what arrows should go with it.
You might be a hunter if your wife addresses you as “Dear” and you slam on the brakes because you’re sure you’re going to hit one.
You might be a hunter if you think the Elks Club consists of 1,000-pound bulls with gigantic antlers.
You might be a hunter if the teacher says she’s going to use a pointer and you can’t figure out what she’s going to do with the dog in class.
You might be a hunter if you hear your parents question just what ruffled that grouch down the street and you ask where are his feathers.
You might be a hunter if you know that taxidermists don’t treat rare skin conditions.
You might be a hunter if you know that taxidermists do handle rare skins.
You might be a hunter if your friends talk about the big game involving the Bears and Lions and football never crosses your mind.
