1. Good for bottling whines
The Cubs need you, Sammy? They need you? Sammy, put a cork in it.
2. Kaiser Sosa
The goatee. The scowl. The chest-thumping based on past glory. The fat contract to match his midsection. Is this the new Sammy or Albert Belle?
3. While you’re checking . . .
The umps should examine Frank Thomas’ and Paul Konerko’s bats–for rocks.
4. Thrown for a curve
Curt Schilling broke his right hand and was surprised to discover bits of cork in it. An umpire machine is being held for questioning.
5. Racing very, very good to me
Despite the Kentucky Derby flap, the Belmont Stakes will be “the best ride of my life,” predicted Funny Cide jockey Jose Santos, who was stripped naked and spread-eagled during the interview.
SIXTH MAN
6. Not that boxers would ever cheat, mind you
Roy Jones Jr. is negotiating to fight WBA heavyweight Evander Holyfield. Word is Ben Johnson, Tonya Harding and Pete Rose will oversee proceedings to make sure they’re on the up and up.
