Dear Prudence: I’ve been living with my boyfriend for two years, and still there are several members of his family who send us Christmas cards and the like with his full name and only my first, like this: “John Smith and Jane.” I don’t know if I’m being petty, but it honestly drives me nuts.
I’ve asked him to say something to these people, but he refuses because he doesn’t think it’s that big a deal. Whenever we send mail to anyone, we include both of our names in the return address, and still the same mistake occurs. I really don’t like the idea of having to wait until we share the same last name before I’m fully acknowledged.
–I’ve Got a Name
Dear I’ve: You are being acknowledged, dear, just not with both your names. The shortcut these people are taking is not particularly correct, but it is a rather petty annoyance in the scheme of things. Also, you say this happens with his family, so just make peace with the fact that, for them, he is the main person in your duo and you are the add-on. (If it’s really driving you bonkers, you could always hurry up the wedding–but then “Mrs.” will simply be substituted for “Jane.”)
–Prudie, proportionally
Dear Prudence: I have been married for six years. I have a nice man for a husband and a wonderful child. But I am not satisfied with my life. I say this because I married my husband when I was barely 19 after dating him only a couple of months.
I had doubts about the marriage before we were married, but I am a people-pleaser and don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, after six years of being a “pleaser” to my spouse, I find that my ideas about life have drastically changed. I am no longer the immature 19-year-old who needs a man to care for her. I am going back to school to get my degree, so I never have to depend on anyone to take care of me or my child. I am very independent and starting to feel smothered at home.
The more I pull away from him, the more he clings to me. I am no longer sexually attracted to him. I do everything I can to avoid kissing him. He is a very good-looking man, but I feel a brotherly kind of love for him. I suppose I should try counseling, but how can someone teach me to be attracted to him again?
I don’t want to hurt him, but I feel he deserves someone who loves him. He has such low self-esteem that telling him what I have just told you would crush him. I am afraid to tell him (that’s the people-pleaser in me), yet I’m afraid to live my entire life wondering what my life could have been. I am very sad and confused about what to do with this relationship. I am living a lie. Please help me.
–Little Lost Sheep
Dear Lit: How very sad for you. While Prudie doubts that many people-pleasers would go the wedding route to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, the consequences remain. What you need to do now is take action so you don’t spend another six years feeling miserable but afraid to wound your husband.
Because it sounds as though you’ve not yet given counseling a try, that would be a useful opening salvo in straightening out your life and finding out from whence comes your need to please everyone. Maybe you and your husband can go to counseling together, maybe separately. A qualified couples’ counselor will know. There’s a chance that your husband could change a few behaviors and that you could arrive at a workable modus operandi.
There is, too, the chance that therapy will allow you to leave the marriage without a ton of guilt, if that’s your decision. Do bear in mind that people recover from all kinds of hurt.
–Prudie, explorationally
Dear Prudence is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. Letters must be sent via e-mail to dearprudence@creators.com. Due to a high volume, not all letters will be answered.
