Dear Harlan: I need a guy’s advice. I am a 29-year-old female, and I live at home with my parents due to financial reasons. I’ve just graduated from college last year and have been saving up for a car and furniture for my own place. My problem is that I think guys are turned off by my living at home. My friends say that most men have a real problem with my situation and urge me to move out. Some of the guys I’ve dated have noted that my living at home has put them off. But my close male friends, and even my own father, said that it shouldn’t even matter to a guy if a girl still lives at home.
I want to be on my own, but I still need to pay off debts before I can consider getting my own place. Am I crazy? Should I tell my friends to pay the first month of rent or shut up?
— Sad and Confused in Illinois
Dear Sad and Confused: It’s not the dating part that’s the problem. It’s when things get serious and the guy has to fight over the newspaper at breakfast with your dad. That can be a turnoff.
No question, some guys will shy away. Some men see a woman who is approaching 30, living at home and run the other way. That said — the kind of man you want to attract shouldn’t find this to be a deal breaker. This would be the kind of man who isn’t afraid of family, has the confidence to ask why you live at home, and respects your drive and discipline (like your dad). Bottom line: Your friends aren’t all wrong, but they are not all right.
Dear Harlan: How does one accurately decide on whom she is to spend the rest of her life with? I have been dating a wonderful guy for five years. He’s sweet, selfless and cooks. Problem is, lately those are the only good qualities I’ve been able to notice.
I’m a saver; he’s a spender. I see every free minute as time that can be spent doing something worthwhile; he enjoys spending it on the couch. He spends weeknights drinking more than I do in a month of weekends. I’m a family person, and he talks to his mom once a month (when she calls). I see all these differences between us and have horrible doubts about the future, but when I consider the solution to this problem I feel awful. I care about him and love him a lot. I abhor the thought of hurting him. How much love is enough to make it through the low times?
— Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love: He might be sweet, selfless and a cook, but the rest of him seems to be making you sick — which means you won’t even be able to stomach his cooking should you get married. The problems you mention are fundamental issues; it’s not like he leaves dirty dishes in the sink or leaves the toilet seat up. These are major problems.
Sometimes being sensitive and loving means letting someone loose. Do him a favor, and let him go if you’re having so many doubts. Lovingly share the fundamental issues that concern you. If you honestly care for him, give him the opportunity to find someone who can appreciate his cooking and stomach the rest of him.
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