Forget baseball for a moment and don’t think about hoops, either. And hockey? I don’t care, do what you want with hockey.
Right now I need you to focus all of your attention on football, specifically the professional variety played in the lower 48.
The 2005 NFL season is under way and with it comes my weekly picks. My promise: To put my heart, my soul, my shoulder and maybe even a little part of my rear end into delivering the high-quality NFL analysis you’ve come to expect from a fictional cartoon dog that wears a wizard hat and has a crush on Kate Bosworth.
OK, I overdid it again. Damn it, every time. Forget the last part.
And here now, the picks.
BEARS (5-11 in ’04) at Washington (6-10)
noon, WFLD-Ch. 32
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: You’re all too familiar with the Bears situation, and if you’re not, let’s spare the gory details. Rookie QB Kyle Orton says he expects to handle the 90,000-plus D.C. fans, but what he needs to do is handle a Redskins defense that will blitz the living beetle juice out of him. And, oh, hey, Clinton Portis ripped this same defense for 171 yards last year. Oh, good. Fox’s Tony Siragusa’s on the sideline for this one. Doesn’t he have a bit part in an independent movie he can go overact in?
THE LINE: Redskins by 6
OVER/UNDER: 33
FINAL SHAKE: Please brace yourselves for pain. I pick … the Bears. Gee, that didn’t hurt nearly as much as I expec-OUCH!
– – –
MATCHUP
SUNDAY’S GAMES
N.Y. Jets (10-6) at Kansas City (7-9)
Noon, WBBM-Ch. 2
Over/Under: 47 1/2
Denver (10-6) at Miami (4-12)
Noon
Over/Under: 38 1/2
Houston (7-9) at Buffalo (9-7)
Noon
Over/Under: 39
Tampa Bay (5-11) at Minnesota (8-8)
Noon
Over/Under: 43
Seattle (9-7) at Jacksonville (9-7)
Noon
Over/Under: 40
New Orleans (8-8) at Carolina (7-9)
Noon
Over/Under: 45
Cincinnati (8-8) at Cleveland (4-12)
Noon
Over/Under: 44
Tennessee (5-11) at Pittsburgh (15-1)
Noon
Over/Under: 40
Green Bay (10-6) at Detroit (6-10)
3:15 p.m., WFLD-Ch. 32
Over/Under: 46
Dallas (6-10) at San Diego (12-4)
3:15 p.m.
Over/Under: 40 1/2
Arizona (6-10) at N.Y. Giants (6-10)
3:15 p.m.
Over/Under: 37 1/2
St. Louis (8-8) at San Francisco (2-14)
3:15 p.m.
Over/Under: 46
Indianapolis (12-4) at Baltimore (9-7)
7:30 p.m., ESPN
Over/Under: 46
MONDAY’S GAME
Philadelphia (13-3) at Atlanta (11-5)
8 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
Over/Under: 42
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The Jets are so lovable that I picked them to win the
World Series, NBA Finals and the Stanley Cup. They’ve allowed just 53 points in the preseason, so even their scrubs rock. Chiefs, prove me wrong. For once.
Broncos have won their last four openers, but the Dolphins have never lost at home to Mike Shanahan (3-0). I know, I know, you want answers, not riddles. Like Ashlee Simpson, Jake Plummer is primed for a career year.
Two teams that just confuse the hell out of me. Similar records, similar uniforms, even the QBs look alike. Plus, Houston and Buffalo have never hosted a Winter Olympics. It just goes on and on.
The Vikings are one of my favorites to go all the way this year, just behind Carolina and just ahead of Paris Hilton. The Bucs have lost 20 of 32 games since winning it all, and Brian “I’m a shorter version of Gus Frerotte” Griese remains their QB.
The Seahawks have been generating more good buzz than most teams, but two early exits from the playoffs turn me off like garlic fry breath. The Jags have won seven of the past nine season openers. The other two were lost at sea.
Sentimentality would suggest we pick the Saints, who have been displaced by Hurricane Katrina’s devastation and resulting floods. But I have the Panthers down big to win the Super Bowl so, sorry, no dice.
Here’s a funny phrase: “I’m excited to see what the Bengals can do.” Carson Palmer is ready for prime time, the Browns are ready to become prime roast. Still, the last time they played, Cincy won 58-48. Well tie me and down and make me eat a bug.
One word: Buh-low-out. Titans have won 10 of the past 12 games between them, but Ben Roethlisberger is back, and the Steelers are amped. Right Ben? Ben, look at me when I talk to you. Ben? Yoohoo!
Brett Favre is 18-8 against Detroit, which means he’ll be beating these guys long after he retires (in 2036). And have you seen the Lions’ new black jerseys? Ug-leee. They’re so ugly, even Kanye West isn’t commenting.
The question for Dallas is, “Can Drew Bledsoe still play?” The question for San Diego is, “How cool was it that ‘Anchorman’ was set in your city?” Cowboys will be better, Chargers won’t be that great, and yet …
The Cards picked up Kurt Warner, who left New York to be a starter. Good for him. Manhattan’s overrated and the cost of living, I mean, really. Now Kurt, get the ball to all-world wideouts Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald.
The 49ers’ new coach wants to wear a tie on the sideline. If this carries over to the players, we got problems. The Rams’ front seven are going to be wicked awesome, and the 49ers are about, oh, seven years away from being contenders.
Leave it to the NFL to give HBO a run for their money on Sunday nights. Lots of people picking the Colts to win the Super Bowl, and they need to win games like this to do it. And I don’t trust Ravens QB Kyle “I Knew Tara Reid” Boller. You know why.
By this game, Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb will have made up and broken up more times than Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal. Michael Vick makes this a game to watch, and if he loses, blame Ron Mexico.
THE LINE
Chiefs by 3
Broncos by 4 1/2
Bills by 4 1/2
Vikings by 6
Jaguars by 3
Panthers by 7
Bengals by 3 1/2
Steelers by 7
Lions by 3
Bolts by 4 1/2
Giants by 3
Cards by 5 1/2
Colts by 3
Eagles by 1 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Jets. Are the Chiefs on the NCAA banned list too?
Broncos. Plummer doesn’t lip-sync audibles. He DOES not!
Texans.
And I’m calling for a 21-21 tie.
Vikings.
No Moss?
No worries.
Jaguars.
Nothing finer than choosing a feliner.
Panthers.
Call Nastassja Kinski. I’m a cat man this week.
Bengals. And it’s pronounced Ben-GAL.
Steelers. Ben? Over here. Hey, no, not that way, here.
Packers.
Chargers. I’m so wise. I’m like a Buddha, covered with hair.
Cardinals. Must … stop … Tiki … Barber.
Cardinals. And coach, something tasteful, maybe stripes.
Colts. And click over for “Rome.” It’s that good.
Eagles. Expect Hank Williams Jr. fans to picket outside.
