Hear ye, hear ye! Order in the court . . . of public opinion. Readers stepped up to the bench with their unlikely pop-culture issues for the Supreme Court to decide. The top three entries won a blindfold.
First place
Reporters who come up with these cutesy combination names for celebrity couples should have their 1st Amendment rights revoked. Would the members of the court want to be referred to as Sandranthony? Thomalia? Or Scaliasburg?
–Phil & Cheryl Haglund, Plainfield
Second place
When filing her income tax return, can Demi Moore claim Ashton Kutcher as a child-dependent?
–Joe Sison, Aurora
Third place
With celebrity courtships continually getting shorter, the Supreme Court may want to rule on whether people have to meet each other in order to get married.
–Keith Edmonson, Mt. Prospect
More cases
In the national interest, any singer, actor, performer or other public figure should be placed under house arrest if they engage in anti-social role modeling, such as using drugs or bearing children out of wedlock.
–C. Michael Becker, Naperville
Nationally televised sofa jumping. TV watchers should not be subjected to such displays of immaturity.
–Judy and Gary Becker, Des Plaines
Ditzy, scrawny blonds with scrawny, silly-looking little dogs should be banned from all video and printed matter.
–Diane Carlin, Green Bay, Wis.
The Supreme Court will determine whether Michael Jackson is indeed a freak, as has long been alleged and suspected.
–Dan Cotter, Chicago
The Supreme Court should immediately issue a special ruling that Ashlee Simpson can lip-sync whenever she wants . . . Please!
–Germaine Doherty, Hickory Hills
Can Elvis impersonators be fined and/or jailed for copyright infringements?
–Marv Levy, Morton Grove
The high should address the most blatant demonstration of age discrimination in our lives: that “Trix are for kids!”
–Chris Miksanek, Rochester, Minn.
The Supreme Court should decide if, in the interest of fairness, any magazine publishing an article about overweight celebrities should also feature an article about those who are too thin.
–Emily Nee, Oak Lawn
With the imminent release of the iPod video player, the Supreme Court should rule on whether drivers will be allowed to operate a motor vehicle while wearing both headphones and video visors.
–Tom Nee, Oak Lawn
There will be a cease and desist on celebrity couple nicknames like Bennifer and TomKat when the press starts using Winfstead, Shrivenegger and Crarmstrong.
–Ed Nemmers, Skokie
Celebrity siblings. We should have the right to decide which sibling we want to read about and which one we just get trapped into reading about. Example: Jessica Simpson/Yes. Ashlee Simpson/No.
–Victoria Pinter, South Holland
One more name change for P. Diddy or Puff Daddy or whatever and he gets thrown in the slammer and they throw away the key, kie, kye, chie. …
–Michael J. Welsh, Romeoville
Tom Cruise versus the American Psychiatry Association. His comments about anti-depressant medications might put him in the hot seat. The prosecuting attorney might call Brooke Shields as their “star” witness.
–Marge Podrazik, Chicago
