The week’s battle features special guest Kelly Dietrich, coordinator of the Chicago Poker Open, a tournament April 20 that benefits the Boys & Girls Clubs of Chicago. Aw, isn’t that sweet? Show him no mercy.
TOPIC 1: WHICH TEAM — CUBS OR SOX — HAS A BETTER RECORD BY THE ALL-STAR BREAK?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Sox. But the Cubs have a better record at the end of it. How do they do that? Practice.
Phillip Thompson: The Cubs. We are talking about albums, right?
Leo Ebersole: The Sox, by virtue of a tiebreaker: their record against the Cubs.
Kelly Dietrich: I wouldn’t bet on either, but you can bet to help kids at the Chicago Poker Open.
Bag Boy: If they’re both under .500, what does it matter?
TOPIC 2: REVEAL SOMETHING ABOUT A FELLOW PANELIST THAT HE OR SHE HAS KEPT SECRET.
Jimmy Greenfield:Phil enjoys long walks on the beach, and Leo owns a telescope. You do the math.
Phillip Thompson: Kelly told me he picked that name because it will make the “transition” seamless.
Leo Ebersole: It’s true: Dan Aske is actually Bag Dog, unmasked.
Kelly Dietrich: Bag Boy has a secret online poker account where he has lost millions.
Bag Boy: Rawhide is famous in country circles. He once humped Keith Urban’s leg. But who wouldn’t?
TOPIC 3: WHICH ATHLETE WOULD YOU PARTNER WITH ON ‘DANCING WITH THE STARS’?
Jimmy Greenfield: Heather Graham. Didn’t know she was a professional roller skater? Well, in my mind she was.
Phillip Thompson: Judging by his performances, certainly not Clyde Drexler. The Glide does anything but …
Leo Ebersole: Jessica Alba. Not an athlete, you say? You, sir or madam, have never seen “Dark Angel.”
Kelly Dietrich: I hear Tank Johnson does a mean Charleston.
Bag Boy: Laila Ali. If I’m going to get punched for getting close to a woman, I want a professional.
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S YOUR POKER TELL?
Jimmy Greenfield: I call my wife and say, “Honey, how much can you pawn the kids for?”
Phillip Thompson: “Hallelujah!” when I have kings. “Halle Berry!” when I have queens.
Leo Ebersole: I do a Chad Johnson-style TD celebration when I have pocket aces. I’m not very good at poker.
Kelly Dietrich: I tap my chips in Morse code. For some reason I always spell chicagopokeropen.com. Weird.
Bag Boy: I never get a good hand, so the only thing I tell is my miserable life story.
TOPIC 5: DEPAUL’S WILSON CHANDLER IS GOING PRO. YOUR THOUGHTS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Gee, I didn’t realize the NBA still had a sixth round of the draft.
Phillip Thompson: If he’s shooting for the NBA lottery, he has a better chance at the Illinois lottery.
Leo Ebersole: Going pro in what? A “Friends” spinoff?
Kelly Dietrich: Good luck to him at the World Series of Poker … oh, you meant basketball! Go, Jayhawks!
Bag Boy: He’d make millions more if DePaul makes the ’08 NCAA Tournament. Yeah, I wouldn’t bet on that, either.
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Dan Aske wraps up his stint as Guest Reader for a Week. He’s joined by four other finalists, including Rawhide the Dog, who performs with the Little Nashville (Cary, Ill.) traveling band that plays for kids. Weirdo.
TOPIC 1: WHICH TEAM — CUBS OR SOX — HAS A BETTER RECORD BY THE ALL-STAR BREAK?
Dan Aske: The Sox, but Sox fans won’t notice because they’re obsessed with the Cubs record.
Tracy Tamondong: You know the Sox fans will have a bigger police record by the All-Star break.
Rawhide The Dog: Cubs. It will snow until mid-August. Their 14-10 record will edge out the Sox’s 13-11.
Bryan Pray: The Cubs, thanks to a chart-breaking polka album by Alfonso “The King of Tuba” Soriano.
Cherie Vawter: If these snow days continue, the Cubs might stand a chance.
TOPIC 2: REVEAL SOMETHING ABOUT A FELLOW PANELIST THAT HE OR SHE HAS KEPT SECRET.
Dan Aske: Jimmy’s been trying to steal my answers all week. No dice, Greenfield! Get your own funny!
Tracy Tamondong: Dan and his ex-husband/thug Jimmy clubbed my knee taking me out of the running. WHY???
Rawhide The Dog: Phil was once my owner. He refused to back off the gluten-based stuff, so I hit the road.
Bryan Pray: Jimmy is the secret love child of Stanley Tucci and a cross-eyed, limbo champion named Chi Chi.
Cherie Vawter: Bag Boy is secretly in love with me. And Jimmy cries at chick flicks.
TOPIC 3: WHICH ATHLETE WOULD YOU PARTNER WITH ON ‘DANCING WITH THE STARS’?
Dan Aske: Jennie Finch. But can we just stare longingly at each other instead of dance?
Tracy Tamondong: Will Perdue. You know what they say about guys with big feet — they sure know how to Samba.
Rawhide The Dog: Laila Ali’s never been knocked out. Then again, she’s never seen my PASO DOBLE!! Woof!
Bryan Pray: Apollo Ohno. During slow dances, I can snuggle in the warmth of his enormous soul patch.
Cherie Vawter: Tom Brady … wait … I might end up pregnant. I’ll say Ben Wallace.
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S YOUR POKER TELL?
Dan Aske: Screaming “Holy Winnebago!” every time I get a decent hand.
Tracy Tamondong: I wear a bag over my head and complain about my cards and everything else. Sound familiar?
Rawhide The Dog: I don’t have one anymore. Thanks a lot, Bob Barker.
Bryan Pray: When dealt a losing hand, I immediately start taking off my clothes to save time.
Cherie Vawter: That not-so-subtle “yesssss” I always seem to let slip out.
TOPIC 5: DEPAUL’S WILSON CHANDLER IS GOING PRO. YOUR THOUGHTS?
Dan Aske: Looks like I’m going to need to suit up as his replacement. Prepare, Blue Demons!
Tracy Tamondong: Three letters … NIT … I guess there’s nowhere to go but up.
Rawhide The Dog: I think we should cut this guy some slack. Isn’t he like, 40 … in dog years?
Bryan Pray: He must start wrecking SUVs and beating up bouncers right now. Nobody likes an amateur!
Cherie Vawter: When does football season start again?
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