Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost five years. We are middle-age, well-educated and financially secure. We are deeply in love and completely committed to each other.
Between us, we have four children from previous marriages. His two are out of the house and my two are teenagers.
He rents an apartment and I own my own condo.
We would like to get married, but have put off getting engaged because we are both fiercely independent.
We enjoy spending time with each other, but each of us has lived on his/her own for several years now, and the thought of trying to mesh our daily routines is hard to swallow.
I don’t want to deal with his shaven remnants of hair in the sink, snoring that can wake the dead and dirty dishes left on the coffee table.
He doesn’t want to deal with five different types of shampoo in the shower, a feminine decor throughout the house and the loud music of my teens.
As fate would have it, another condo has become available for purchase right next door to mine. If he bought it, we could get married and then be free to spend as much (or as little) time together as we see fit.
My boyfriend and I love this idea!
Those closest to us think this is a great idea for us, but there has also been some skepticism to this rather “modern marriage.”
I would be interested in your thoughts as well as those of your readers on this matter.
Is this plan truly crazy or truly brilliant?
— Ms. Independent
Dear Independent: For those of us who have occasionally fantasized about moving into the garden shed, if you two went ahead with this living arrangement, you’d be living the dream.
I know two married couples who have lived in neighboring apartments for at least a portion of their marriage, and both said they loved it.
You should talk about the living space and domestic activities and duties you will share.
Because of your adjoining lives, you should meet with a financial counselor before marriage to discuss how joined — or separate — your finances would be.
I’d love to hear from readers with unusual marital habitation arrangements.
Dear Amy: I am a man in my upper 70s. I still have a relatively strong libido.
My wife, same age, is quite ill and has no ability or interest in any sexual behavior.
As a result, I find some satisfaction in perusing erotic Internet sites and also a free site in which one can chat with people about sexual matters.
From a moral standpoint I am sure this is not good conduct, but practically I feel it is of some help to me and involves no risk of disease since I do not pursue any real-world sexual conduct.
Do you have an opinion? Should I seek help in discarding this behavior?
— Codger
Dear Codger: You don’t say what your wife thinks of this, but to me your conduct doesn’t seem any more in need of correction than a person who chooses to read Playboy, D.H. Lawrence or the latest Harlequin bodice-ripper.
If these Internet sites feature adults engaging in consensual and legal activity, then peruse away.
The “chatting” gives me pause, however. This will complicate matters and lead to an emotional involvement.
Dear Amy: Regarding the letter from “Perplexed in Maryland,” you and your supposed human resources expert have some gall standing up for employers’ rights to treat job-seekers without respect.
Their “incentive” to respond to applicants whom they have interviewed, particularly the ones they’ve promised to get back to, is known as common decency and professionalism.
If one has gone through the interview process, of course they should at least be notified of the outcome.
It is not acceptable to act toward people without courtesy simply because you think (erroneously) that you hold all the cards.
— Massachusetts
Dear Massachusetts: I agree with you that prospective employers should get back to applicants, but the fact is that they often don’t.
