It’s been rather upsetting to watch America’s political leaders shriek and yell and call each other names over all that red ink in the federal books.
So I’ve come up with my own federal plan, to help relieve the stress on our politicians.
I don’t care what you call it. And you don’t have to name it after me. I’m just doing this to get our minds off the red ink and make politicians feel better about themselves.
If we don’t change the subject, our political class will lose all their self-esteem. Their smiles will turn to frowns. Even President Barack Obama is looking a bit frazzled these days. He’s expected to call for some kind of budget cuts Wednesday, to demonstrate that Democrats can cut, too, not just Republicans.
But then in a few weeks, he’ll be asking to extend the debt ceiling.
Currently, the debt is more than $14 trillion, and we’ve just about reached the limit. That’s right. $14 trillion. Obama will want to borrow even more money that we don’t have.
Some lawmakers threatened to say no to the new borrowing unless they get some real spending reductions, and this angered the White House.
“We do not need to play chicken with our economy by linking the raising of the debt ceiling to anything,” said Jay Carney, Obama’s press secretary.
Playing chicken isn’t in a happy place. Playing chicken is actually quite scary. Somebody almost always caves, and that’s when the bitterness sets in. So that’s why I came up with my new plan. To end the bitterness.
I won’t even take credit for it. Instead, I’ll give it to the Democrats and the Republicans, and let them get their picture in the paper, so they can make voters happy.
That’s the main thing for American politicians, isn’t it? To avoid argument and confrontation and make the voters happy?
Of course it is. If the people are happy, their leaders are happy. And so I began asking myself the big question: What do Americans really want so they’ll stop worrying about federal red ink and the debt and deficits and so on.
OK, what do the American people really want?
Probably great sex and the Fountain of Youth, plenty of money to spend, no illness or distress, lots of sunshine, plenty of fish to catch and game to hunt and steaks in the fridge, a World Cup, good books to read and a vision of America as the wondrous Sugar Mountain of the Neil Young song.
But no one would buy that one, so I came up with an alternative, and here it is:
Free cars.
“You mean I get a free car under your plan?” asked a guy I cornered.
Yes. Everybody in America over the age of 21 gets a new car. Absolutely free. The open road awaits.
“And gas for a year?” he asked.
Sure, why not? Gas for a year too. After the year is up, you’ll have to pay for your own gas, but let’s hope that Libya will have been “liberated” by then.
In the meantime, enjoy the ride.
He just stood there, considering the possibilities, free car, free gas, then began to smile and nod his head, and I saw one happy American.
“Dude,” he said.
Dude, I said.
“So under the Kass plan, can I have a Bugatti, or a Testarossa?”
No, I said. This is an American debt problem, not some a fancy foreign car problem. That’s actually the problem with government programs. You give a little, and eventually, the client ends up demanding more.
So you are not entitled to a Testarossa. This is an American unhappy voter problem, and an American unhappy politician program, so let’s just stick to American cars, like Toyotas and such.
Or Cadillacs, Buicks, Lincolns, Fords, Chevys and so on. We’ll be giving away cars from companies subsidized by the federal government, and car companies that were independent.
“And no Hyundais,” said the guy. “Because if you’re giving out Hyundais, I don’t want one. I’ll have a big pickup truck.”
Not a Prius?
“No, I don’t live in Oak Park,” he said. “But I sure am happy now. Free cars. It’s a great idea. Thanks, man.”
Then he smiled. And I wished the Congress of the United States could have been packed into my tiny office, so they could see what leadership is all about.
But please, don’t be too tough on our politicians. They’re emotionally needy people, but it’s not their fault, really. It’s our fault. They’re exactly the kind of political leaders that America has demanded over time.
Originally, federal government wasn’t supposed to do much more than provide for the common defense, secure the borders and basically get out of the way. But now all that’s changed. These days, we are bribed with our own money, or rather, with our own massive debt, and people are angry.
And that’s why I came up with Free Cars for Everybody.
“It’s a great program, people will love you, but how do you pay for it?” asked my Bugatti-loving friend.
What? Are you some kind of moron? I don’t pay for it.
“Who pays?” asked the guy. “Do I pay?”
Don’t worry. You don’t pay, either.
I just send the bill to your children and your grandchildren.
And they pay.
