Five on Five: Ring, ring

PUBLISHED: March 22, 2012 at 10:11 PM CDT | UPDATED: June 17, 2018 at 11:44 PM CDT

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1. LeBron James injured the ring finger on his left hand. Explain the significance.

Matt Lindner: His finger’s as afraid of committing to anything significant as he is to winning anything significant.

Matt Pais: I stopped reading at “LeBron James.”

Mike Balzer: He’ll have to use his right hand at weekly “Ring Ceremony Practice” with Bosh and Wade.

Kat Velez: Well, it’s not like he’ll be using it anytime soon.

Sarah Kustok: Nada. No rings to wear that I know of …

2. Surrendering the tying goal in stoppage time of an Olympic soccer qualifier is like …

Matt Lindner: … spilling hot sauce on your microwave burrito: making a mediocre meal slightly less mediocre … and more dangerous.

Matt Pais: … worse than a basketball player injuring his ring finger. Fine, I did read the first one.

Mike Balzer: … the sports hipster equivalent of The Unicorns breaking up while making their second album.

Kat Velez: I have no idea what this means. I am the worst brown person ever.

Sarah Kustok: … if you showed up at Local Option and they were out of steak tacos. Heart-wrenching.

3. The Hawks’ last five regular-season games are against division rivals. What’s that mean?

Matt Lindner: Much like the Bulls, they’ll be seeing red from the last day of the regular season all through the playoffs.

Matt Pais: Triumphant wins or painful losses. Why must life be so DRAMATIC???

Mike Balzer: They can move all the way up to “Most Screwed By NHL Playoff Seeding Rules.”

Kat Velez: Wild: Northwest Division. Blackhawks: Central Division. They play each other twice. I am a nerd.

Sarah Kustok: Brandon Bollig’s finishing off the season 5-for-5 with fights.

4. Whom is this quote about: “He has one of those unique, strong bodies, and is such an explosive guy”?

Matt Lindner: Matt Lindn—I mean, literally anybody but the guy you see above. He could afford to do some sit-ups.

Matt Pais: The Incredible Hulk. Gollum. Stretch Armstrong. Whom isn’t that quote about?

Mike Balzer: Matt Pais.

Kat Velez: The guy who wrote question 3.

Sarah Kustok: Has to be either Luke Stuckmeyer or Chuck Garfien.

5. Why are Lovie Smith and Phil Emery getting along so well?

Matt Lindner: Lovie is in the air. Thank you, folks, I’ll be here all night.

Matt Pais: It’s not hard to get along with someone who never expresses emotion. Worst surprise birthday party-thrower ever.

Mike Balzer: They are Thomas and O’Brien, and Matt Forte is Mr. Bates.

Kat Velez: They know who’s in their division. I’m not even sure Angelo knew what league he was in, sometimes.

Sarah Kustok: Adding Brandon Marshall and Michael Bush. You’d be getting along with your boss, too.

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