The NFL Draft, aka the televised restriction of freedom of labor, is returning to the Windy City for the second year in a row. The nation’s foremost concussion denialists will convene on Grant Park and Congress Plaza in the form of a 900,000-square-foot Draft Town from Thursday through Saturday.
Sounds like a heck of a lot of fun—for almost everyone. It seems poor Roger Goodell can’t take even three steps into the public arena without a wave of vitriolic boos greeting his ’80s movie villain-face. So how can the beleaguered NFL commissioner endear himself to the Chicago crowds? We’ve got a few ideas.
class=”li1″>Proudly point out that Draft Town is one of the top five neighborhoods Mayor Emanuel cares about
class=”li1″>Try surrounding himself with the extremely popular Chicago Police Department
class=”li1″>Refer to the city as “Chi-Town” at all times
class=”li1″>Refer to all cities as “Chi-Town” at all times
class=”li1″>When he says, “The pick is in,” make a exaggerated humping motion—because that’s the kind of thing someone who has stood in a crowd for nine hours to watch a grown man read names off a card would find hilarious
class=”li1″>Change the Red Line’s name to the “Redskin Line,” then make a big show of courageously ordering it changed it back
class=”li1″>Show respect for Illinois’s veterans by making the 12th pick a throwback draft selection, thus forcibly conscripting Louisville defensive tackle Sheldon Rankins into the United States Army
class=”li1″>Bring an alderman onstage and slip him or her a crisp $100 bill to make sure the Bears get the pick they’re looking for, y’dig?
class=”li1″>When in doubt, just make fun of some Jets fan
class=”li1″>Invite select fans to join him for a little merriment in the Viagra Triangle, where he’ll be acting as Chris Berman’s wingman
class=”li1″>Take a portion of the $34.1 million he reportedly made last year and donate it to victims of Browns games
class=”li1″>Enforce football’s dominance as the world’s premier sport at all times of the year by walking as slowly as possible in the bike path of the Lakefront Trail
class=”li1″>Live the dream and draft himself
class=”li1″>Give us his honest, progressive, empathetic, expansive views on domestic violence, marijuana usage, prescription drug abuse by former players, the role of labor in American society, referee compensation, expansion into London when league teams already can’t sell out their own stadiums, steroids, the physics of ball inflation and—what the hell—how about female coaches while we’re at it, too?
Sean Sullivan is a writer for “The Koch Brothers Mystery Show” podcast, now in its second season. Read more from The Second City (@TheSecondCity) at secondcity.com/network.
