(cue bouncy game-show music)
Greetings, Republican voters, my name is Rex Huppke and I’m honored to be here to introduce you to YOUR presumptive presidential nominee!
You’ve heard his name, you know of his fame. He’s the Mogul with the Mouth, the Bigoted Billionaire, the Big Apple’s Babbling Birther … Donald J. Trump!!!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after demolishing the competition in Tuesday’s primary in Indiana, Mr. Trump is now all but certain to become the standard-bearer for the Grand Old Party in the 2016 presidential race.
He has easily dispatched challenger after challenger: Low-Energy Jeb Bush; Little Marco Rubio; Capitulatin’ Chris Christie; Mike “Hog Jowls” Huckabee; and, after the Hoosier state primary massacre, even Lyin’ Ted Cruz.
All that remains between Trump and the delegates he needs to secure the nomination is John “Not Worth a Nickname” Kasich, and he’s about as threatening as Lindsey Graham after an evening cup of Sleepytime tea.
So Trump’s your man, party of Reagan, and on the off chance you haven’t been paying attention, let me highlight some of his more significant campaign trail accomplishments:
*Recognizing that the Republican Party’s stated goal of reaching out to Latino voters was a bunch of silly nonsense, Trump announced his presidential run AND insulted one of the fastest-growing voting blocs in America by describing Mexican immigrants as drug dealers and rapists. That’s the kind of efficient, kill-two-birds-with-one-stone leadership that sets your candidate apart from losers who spend time worrying about stuff like math or a path to victory or a basic sense of decency.
*To keep his favorability numbers among Latinos down, Trump made the concept of building a big, beautiful wall along America’s border with Mexico a central part of his campaign, insisting that the Mexican government would pay for the wall. This was an effective means of attracting voters who like to snarl a bit when they say the word “illegals,” and it made for fun and inclusive “Build The Wall!” chants at Trump rallies.
*Unlike some presidents we know, the man representing you in this election won’t be afraid to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism,” a phrase that has the power to instantly defeat the Islamic State terrorist group. In fact, the man of the hour took things a step further by saying, “Islam hates us.” And he promised to not allow any Muslims into the country “until we figure out what’s going on,” while also saying American soldiers should “take out” the families of terrorists. Can I get a nice round of applause for war crimes, ladies and gentlemen?
*Not to be overlooked, the Denigratin’ Donald loves to hurl insults. He doesn’t take the gloves off — he never put them on in the first place! Doesn’t matter if you’re “crazy” Megyn Kelly, “the bimbo” from Fox News, or the “dummies” on the Wall Street Journal editorial board or “totally ineffective” Sen. Ben Sasse or “low-class slob” GOP pollster Frank Luntz or “total hypocrite” Neil Young or “truly weird” Sen. Rand Paul or “dopey” and “broken down” George Will or “dummy” Sen. John McCain or the “absolute scum” that are the media. If you say something even remotely critical about the man who will be at the top of the GOP ticket, he’s gonna rain down some baseless, schoolyard taunts! Just as our Founding Fathers intended!
Now I know you’re probably thinking, “Rex, there’s no way you can tell me my once-proud political party’s soon-to-be presidential nominee has even more going for him than what you’ve already mentioned!” Well if that’s what you’re thinking, I guess YOU don’t know Donald Trump!
He also has tacitly endorsed violence at his fantastically huge rallies, reminiscing about the days when protesters would be “carried out on a stretcher” and saying he might pay the legal fees of anyone that gives a stinky liberal loudmouth a good beating.
He has made social media fun by routinely and unapologetically retweeting the fine Twitter work of white supremacists and unabashed sexists. And he has promised — fingers crossed, people — to bring back torture, including waterboarding and something he describes as “worse than waterboarding.”
All this while boasting about the size of his penis, using the term “schlonged,” routinely appearing on virulently xenophobic talk radio shows and guaranteeing he’ll beat back the tide of globalization and return manufacturing jobs to America by “making deals.”
I don’t have to tell you that this is the perfect thrice-married man to represent the party of family values, the ideal formerly “I am very pro-choice” candidate for evangelical Christians, the top-of-the-heap pick to bring people together as long as they are not Mexican, Muslim, women, supporters of the Black Lives Matter movement, anti-bullying, actual conservatives, believers in a free press, politically correct, losers, dopes or low-energy lightweights.
Ladies and gentlemen of the GOP, congratulations on your new presidential candidate, Donald Trump!
I wish you nothing but the best.
You’re gonna need it.
rhuppke@tribpub.com
