“Ask Anna” is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I have a strong sex drive. Whenever I engage in intimate activities, sext or send nudes, however, I find myself consumed by shame afterwards. I constantly waver between regretting that I didn’t remain “virginal” and “pure,” and embracing my desires without concern. I don’t direct these judgments towards other women; I believe it’s not my place to scrutinize their choices. However, I find it difficult to avoid judging myself, despite my best efforts. How do I unlearn shame and start to relish my sexual experiences without worrying about others’ opinions? — Need Other Sexy Healthy Awesome Messaging Everyday
Dear NOSHAME,
Firstly, it’s crucial to understand that everyone feels shame around sex sometimes — that’s totally normal (albeit a bummer!). Shame is just a feeling, like any other, and it’s important to remember that it passes.
Culturally, we’re told really conflicting messages about sex, especially (but not exclusively) if you’re female-identified — sex is “bad” and “wrong” and our desires are “shameful” and we’re “whores” if we want sex and we’re “bitches” if we say no and we’re “sluts” if we say yes! There’s truly no winning here, the deck is stacked, and the rules contradict each other.
At the same time that we’re being scolded, we’re also saturated with images of sex 24/7 — in songs, on TV and movies, in ads, on social media. And depending on how and where you grew up, what your family was like or your religious upbringing, you’ve likely internalized even more mixed messages about your body and sex — whether you wanted to or not.
So how do you unlearn these toxic messages and instead embrace your sexuality as a healthy part of yourself? Let’s get into it. And let’s make it a fun acronym, KATS, to help us remember. (Knowledge, Awareness, Tell a new story and Seek out help)
Know thyself
Understanding your desires, what feels good (and less good and neutral and downright funky), and digging deep into your motivations are all key steps to combating shame. As I said a few weeks ago, sometimes we feel shame because we’re going against our own wishes and boundaries — we’re not respecting our own consent, basically.
So if, for instance, you’re thinking of sending a nude to someone, briefly ask yourself why you’re doing it and what you’ll get out of it. Will it make you feel hot and sexy? Will it turn you on because you have an exhibitionist side? Do you want to connect with someone and this is an easy way to do it? Or is it more like, you want the other person to like you, or you feel pressured to do it? If what comes up for you is that you’re not 100% enthusiastic about sending a nude, if it’s not actually something you really, really want to do, then that’s an instance where you’ll want to step back and not send anything. Or send something else instead, like a flirty text that feels less vulnerable.
Awareness is power
Remember, shame itself isn’t the problem. Shame is just a signal — sometimes it’s telling us that we’re doing (or did) something that went against our own wishes, but sometimes it’s responding to previous messaging we were taught. If you’ve been told that you’re a “slut” for liking sex every day for years, that’s gonna come up in your mind, even if it’s not remotely true. When it does, however, the first step is to recognize that it’s happening, and then …
Tell yourself a different story
Since you’ve done the work already to understand your motivations and desires, now you can tell yourself — truthfully — that what you’re doing is completely consensual, motivated by pleasure and good feelings, and is in no way unethical. Telling yourself a different (truer) story helps to rewire the neural connections in our brain so that they can make new, better ones. This doesn’t happen overnight. You might have to tell yourself a different story dozens or hundreds of times before it starts to change, but be patient and stick with it. It will happen.
Seek out like-minded folks
Try to surround yourself with supportive people who respect your choices and don’t judge you based on your sexual activities. That’s a tall order, I realize. Like I said, we all internalize crappy messages. Sometimes we judge others even when we’re having the same doubts. It’s a coping mechanism. But as much as you can, try to be around people who lift you up.
There are tons of communities online — support groups, Reddit threads and forums are options to look into if you’re ever feeling down and want to talk to someone. Kink communities are another option — even if you’re not super kinky, these folks often have tons of experience combating shame and tend to be trauma-informed.
Lastly, if you find that the shame or guilt is persistent and negatively affecting your sex life and your mental health, consider seeking therapy or counseling with a sex-aware therapist. They can help you work through any underlying issues and give you more resources to develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Good luck, NOSHAME, and remember if you’re in doubt, let the KATS out of the bag.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!
