Dear Eric: My wife and I are financing our granddaughter’s college education. She has spent the last two years enjoying the social life at her sorority and traveling to vacation spots. Her GPA is poor and she has had to repeat two courses.
Do we have a right to say she must maintain a better GPA, or we will consider withdrawing our financial assistance?
– Funding Granddad
Dear Granddad: You sure do! Firstly, it’s your money and you have the right to do what you want with it. The tuition payments may be a gift presented without strings, but there are still plenty of reasonable expectations that come with a college education. She’s not meeting the college’s expectations in some ways – and is suffering the consequences. It’s fair to have a recalibrating conversation with her and her parents.
The conversation will go best if you keep the focus on establishing a reasonable shared set of goals that can be achieved by the combination of your funds and her efforts.
Ask her what she wants to accomplish in college. If she’s not engaged with her major or her classes and, therefore, not doing the work or not performing well, it’s not worth her time or your money. She may need more guidance about how to best make college work for her. It’s not always a plug-and-play situation.
Consider finding other metrics of success in addition to GPA. Obviously, her grades are important but they’re not the only way of determining if she’s making the most of her college education. Include her in naming some other metrics, as well. Her failure to lock in may be a sign of immaturity; this is natural. Being challenged to play a more active role in her education and her own success is a great way of building skills that will benefit her as she steps further into adulthood.
Dear Eric: We only had one child because he was a preemie and I didn’t want to go through that again. Another reason is that my husband was no help with our child until he was around eight years old. After having a child, my husband decided he wasn’t ready for the responsibility and spent most of his free time with his friends and drinking a lot. He finally stopped drinking so much when he was 36 but still drinks with his friends and by himself a few times a week.
We have discussed his drinking many times, but he doesn’t think it’s an issue since he drinks fewer days of the week now. He still has an issue with binge drinking but doesn’t do it around us.
I know our child knows his father drinks but doesn’t know how much. Our child is an adult now and has asked why we didn’t have more children.
I have told him it’s due to him being a preemie and the issues from that. Should I be honest about the other reason: his father being no help and the drinking? That was honestly the biggest reason we didn’t have more children.
I worked full time while my child was growing up so doing it mostly by myself was exhausting. I would really love your advice on this.
– The Other Reason
Dear Reason: You should feel free to share as much with your child as you feel comfortable sharing. However, you needn’t feel you’re being dishonest by not telling the whole story. It’s possible that your child’s question has brought to light a need that you have and it’s important to listen to that need. I’d humbly suggest that telling the whole story may be as helpful for you as it might be for your child.
Your husband’s drinking has taken a toll on you and on your family. It’s very likely that you’ve had to take on far more than just the child-rearing and work responsibilities you listed in order to keep everyone afloat. You may feel isolated or frustrated and those feelings need an outlet. You’re in a partnership that’s unequal and it seems that your husband hasn’t done enough work to acknowledge that or make amends.
While talking to your child about the reality of your family dynamics (dynamics that he’s likely quite aware of already, to some extent) will be helpful, please also consider attending an Al-Anon or a SMART Recovery Family & Friends meeting. These groups are specifically designed to help support people in relationships with those struggling with substance abuse. You’ll meet people who have walked the same path as you and who can give you support and guidance for ensuring your emotional and mental well-being.
In short, you may have had to do a lot of this work alone for much of your marriage, but you don’t have to continue to navigate this situation in isolation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
