What does Memorial Day mean to you? A day of parades and patriotism? The start of summer? The end of school? The opportunity to snag a great bargain?
Much like Christmas, sometimes it feels we have lost the true meaning of the “holiday.” For the families of those who paid the ultimate sacrifice in battle, it’s a somber occasion. Naturally they remember their loved ones every day, but Memorial Day is the day when they feel consoled by the community.
This year will be additionally poignant because the new monument honoring local Gold Star families is to be dedicated in Naperville’s Veterans Park.
The one thing that forever links these families is their heartbreaking stories of bravery and loss. But as Army Pfc. Gunnar Hotchkin’s mother told me, “As long as they are remembered, they are not truly gone.”
Hotchkin left a young wife and three children behind in Naperville when he was killed in Afghanistan on June 16, 2010, at the age of 31.
“He called the day before he died and said he was going on a mission which he was nervous about,” his widow, Erin, told me. “He said, ‘Don’t let our youngest forget me.’ Having to tell the children he had been killed was the hardest day of my life.”
Hotchkin was dad to a stepdaughter, Taylor, who was 10 at the time, and sons Ethan, 9, and Tristan, 4.
“He was an amazing father,” Erin said. “He had an amazing way of dealing with the kids. He was a very docile person and communicated with them well; he really understood them. He had a good natural fatherly instinct. My youngest is the image of Gunnar. I see some of his mannerisms in my sons and I love that.”
But moving forward was more challenging than she could have imagined.
“It’s something that never changes. As the kids get older there’s always things to remind you he is not here, like learning to drive and graduations,” she said. “They’re kids and people don’t always know how they are feeling. The challenges are still ongoing, but we have learned to handle it in a better way as the years have gone on. I tried to raise the children to know that they can still talk about their dad when their friends talk about theirs.”
The couple met at an Olive Garden restaurant in Downers Grove. Hotchkin was working as a bartender when Erin went in to apply for a job.
“We were together just three or four months before getting engaged,” she said. “I was married when I was 19 and we had ten years together.”
Initially, Hotchkin worked as a home builder but was laid off during the recession in 2008. Although his parents helped the young family financially, he was determined to support them himself.
“I was shocked when he wanted to join the military,” Erin said. “He was going to use it to go to college and get a good job afterwards.”
Hotchkin signed up for four years, believing he would work as an engineer.
“He went from basic training to AIT (advanced individual training) to airborne. He was deployed in December. It was a very quick experience. He told us when he joined he would never deploy, that he would be responsible for building roads, but they went out ahead of the infantry. He finished basic training March 2009 and died the next year.”
Hotchkin’s unit was sent to clear a road in Kunduz, Afghanistan, when they were ambushed. Hotchkin was in a vehicle that struck an explosive device, flipping it over and killing him and another soldier. Both were awarded Bronze Star medals posthumously.
Christine Hotchkin said her son knew going into the army was a risk, but one he was willing to take to support his family.
“He was outgoing, a real charmer with a good sense of humor,” she said. “When he first went, he was not sure he had done the right thing. It was a culture shock at first. He felt for the women and kids there. The soldiers were concerned about each other. He was always a real team player.”
Christine learned her son had died in the same way you see in the movies. She opened the door at 8 one night to find two army officials standing there.
“They had been looking for Erin at Fort Bragg where she lived, but she was visiting Naperville,” she said. “They told me to call her and she knew as soon as I called. In a way, I’m glad she was here. We told her kids with her. Out of his company four were killed, just 1%. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Since then Christine, a former special education teacher, and her daughter-in-law have grown even closer. Christine works with various veterans organizations and Erin is employed as a patient services representative at Suburban Gastroenterology in Naperville.
“Veterans Day is for veterans who served, Memorial Day for those who died,” Christine said. “A lot of Americans treat them the same and it’s wrong. I have felt a duty to do as much as I can for the children. If they call, I answer. Taylor is now 22, Ethan 21 and Tristan 17. I lost my dad when I was a kid and it’s hard.
“It is really important to the families to remember the fallen. It’s hard to overstate that when people go to a parade or a ceremony to remember them, they are definitely doing the right thing. As long as they are remembered, they are not truly gone.”
Erin believes her husband would be proud of the way they have coped since his death.
“I think today he would be proud of us because it’s been hard, that’s for sure,” she said. “Even being a parent of young kids is hard. Every event he is not here for brings it up. It’s like having your arm cut off. We’re just learning a new way to live. As times change, its always there, some days are harder than others. We’re still learning.”
Hilary Decent is a freelance journalist who moved to Naperville from England in 2007.
