Dear Eric: I am part of a group of friends from church. We have known each other for more than 40 years. There is one member who has done very well in business. We are all doing fine financially. The group contains multiple doctors and lawyers. This man however cannot stop bragging about the money and privileges he has acquired. He must workshop segues on how to inject his latest win into every conversation; it’s uncanny how he can worm his successes into any topic. My question is how to politely tell this man to stop. We all know he’s rich and powerful and we don’t care.
– Unimpressed and Bored
Dear Unimpressed: One option is to say to him, “I’ve noticed you have this pattern. It’s coming across as bragging and making it hard to feel connected. Have you noticed that?” But the caveat here is that if he’s been doing this for 40 years, or even the better part of 40 years, it’s unlikely that he’ll be inclined to stop. This might be just who he is, whether he’s speaking from pride or insecurity or some other emotion.
Do you like spending time with him, otherwise? Is there a way of engaging with him otherwise at all? Or is it all bragging? These are helpful considerations when thinking through what you want from this conversation and what’s reasonable to expect.
Directness is helpful and polite. But be prepared for him to turn the conversation back around to his riches if he doesn’t like what he’s hearing.
Dear Eric: My husband passed away last October. He was very close with his cousin even though they lived states away. Their birthdays are two days apart. The cousin and his wife were notified about his death. I didn’t get any kind of acknowledgement via phone or card. I’m disappointed. Am I wrong to feel this way?
– Unacknowledged
Dear Unacknowledged: I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. It’s not a matter of whether you’re wrong to feel the way you do. The feelings are facts. So, what do you do about them? Reach out to your husband’s cousin and tell him how you feel and what you wish had happened. Ask him for his perspective. A conversation can’t undo the past, but it will help alleviate some of the disappointment you’re feeling. This is important because disappointment, or resentment, will get in the way of the other healing that you’re doing. Better to speak your mind and get his side, than to stew alone about it.
Dear Eric: This letter is in reference to “No Thanks”, who sent a sympathy package to a friend but didn’t receive a thank you. My husband passed away a month ago and my multi-tasking “muscle” is gone. It is typical for bereaved people to lose their train of thought, for example. Executive function can be AWOL for a while. That is me. I have bursitis in the first joint of the index finger on my dominant hand. I am metering out my thank you notes, one a day, because my handwriting deteriorates the more I write, and I didn’t start writing them right away. I was quite undone by my husband’s unexpected passing. “No Thanks” did the right thing to send that food. What a thoughtful gesture.
– Still There
Dear Still There: I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Please give yourself all the time you need to get to those thank you notes and other tasks. That’s not the priority. Know that those who love you care less about a “thank-you” than they do about you and making sure that you get what you need to navigate your grief.
Dear Eric: In addition to your fine response to “Hurting, Confused and Flowerless”, who went through tough times that weren’t acknowledged by her close friends, I’d like to add my perspective. If you are a strong woman who doesn’t complain or seem needy, people think that you don’t need any support. You are Wonder Woman.
I have had this experience in my life many times. The reward for being strong is to keep being strong. So, I have learned to ask for what I need or want. For me, it doesn’t make the help any less valuable.
Hope this helps your letter writer.
– Asked and Answered
Dear Asked: Thank you so much for writing. You’re absolutely right: asking for what you need doesn’t make the help less valued. It is a sad truth that strength is often seen as an island and people who are outwardly strong or stoic in some areas sometimes have to be more proactive about telling friends and loved ones how to best show up for them. It requires vulnerability, too, which can be hard for folks. But it’s so important.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
