Dear Eric: On Mother’s Day I received a voicemail, on my cellphone, from my sister-in-law. It evidently was a butt call that recorded my brother, sister-in-law and two of their friends having a good time drinking and bad-mouthing me.
In the voicemail my sister-in-law told their friends that her husband’s sister “was a piece of work”, to which my brother responded, “she’s nuts.” They both said that they need an interpreter to translate my text messages because, once in a while, I misspell a word or two. They were rolling in laughter during the entire voicemail, at my expense. They said several not-so-nice things about me.
All of a sudden, during the voicemail, my sister-in-law said “Wait.” She must have noticed her phone had called mine and the conversation ended.
This did not sound like things my sister-in-law would say. She goes to bible study and professes to be a religious person. But of course, they were drinking and their friend said, “I think I’m drunk.” This voicemail hurt me very much.
My husband and I will be at a family gathering in a couple of weeks and my brother and sister-in-law will also be there. Should I just say “Hi” and go on or should I drop a hint about the voicemail? She may not have realized that her phone was leaving me this message. I decided to do nothing at this time, but I want her to know that I received the voicemail message.
How do you suggest that I handle this?
– Hurting
Dear Hurting: What an awful thing to hear. I’m so sorry. If you want her to know what you heard, dropping a hint probably won’t be enough to fix what needs fixing. Instead, consider calling her up and telling her what you heard and how it impacted you. It need not be accusatory. You can simply tell her the facts – this is what was recorded and this is what I feel about it.
Hopefully she does the right thing, apologizes, and makes amends, so that you can try to establish a relationship that’s more rooted in trust and respect. It won’t all happen in one phone call. But by addressing this in advance of the gathering, you’ll know where you stand and be better prepared to see her. You may decide that you two need not speak at the gathering. That’s fine. This will take time to heal. But if you hold it in, you risk losing out on any enjoyment you might have with the rest of the family.
Dear Eric: My friend drives me crazy. All of her life she has made bad decisions. She is 73 years old and cannot retire because she has no financial stability. She has lived with James for 12 years. She told him early on that she was looking for marriage. Marriage has not happened.
He’s been good to her in many ways. He’s taken her on vacations all over the world but guards his finances. She has no rights of survivorship to his estate. She can remain in his house for three months after he dies and then it has to be sold and his daughters get everything. She’s on her own.
The rest of her life decisions are equally convoluted and not in her best interests. She loves to whine but doesn’t make any changes to protect herself.
It all came to a head when James’ daughter’s husband had severe mental illness and committed suicide. His death was tragic on many levels.
She told me some private information about him that appalled me. There was a horrific crime involved. She did this after he died. To me, she crossed the line when she did that. I didn’t need to know any of it. She did this because I felt very bad for him and she wanted me to know that he was no angel.
I resented her for doing that, so I told her it was time for me to bow out, and I have ended my relationship with her. I miss her but I also feel she can’t be trusted if she needs to do that posthumously to make her point.
What do you think about this turn of events?
– Lost Friend
Dear Friend: This relationship was breaking apart long before she shared the private information with you. So, while trust is a major issue, it’s clear from your letter that you just don’t agree with the way she lives her life or the choices she makes. As a result, this friendship is misaligned.
It’s natural to miss a friend, but you should ask yourself what would be different if you tried to reconcile. If nothing changes – your opinion or her actions – you’re likely to end up with the same result.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
