BP Amoco has come up with a stroke of genius with its war on the use of cell phones at the company’s gas stations.
They’ll let us drive any backfiring, muffler-dragging, combustion-engine-powered jalopy to the pump, and say nothing. They’ll let all six spark plugs fire away, thousands of times a minute, as we stand by and fill our tanks, and do nothing to stop us.
Spark plugs? Hmmm. I wonder why they’re called that.
But now, BP Amoco doesn’t want cell phones near our ears while we’re near their pumps.
Apparently, one of those volatile, all-plastic phones might somehow shoot off a spark. Or a nickel cadmium battery might spontaneously combust and blow the corner gas station into the next state.
And you thought the “Phantom Menace” could only be found in movie theaters.
Listen, though. Let’s just assume BP Amoco knows what they’re doing here. Most companies wait for scientific evidence, or even conduct cost-benefit analyses of risks associated with their products.
Not BP Amoco. It just did the right thing. With the cell-phone campaign, the firm signaled its intent to protect the public from every conceivable danger. Perhaps an inconceivable danger too.
But why stop with cell phones?
BP Amoco should post a sign: No grilling hot dogs while pumping gas.
Or: Operation of handheld hair dryers while pumping gas is prohibited. And: Toasters, including toaster ovens, forbidden.
The reckless will say few people grill hot dogs while sucking flammable petrol from huge underground tanks. But the chances of someone doing that are as great as the risk of phone conflagration.
People might scoff at the hair dryer and toaster warnings. But have you ever looked inside one of those things? Red-hot glowing coils. A gas-station bomb just waiting to explode.
It would be easy to say Amoco is overreacting to the cell-phone scare (or, more to the point, the scare that could develop, if a cell phone could cause a spark). But, really, you can’t blame them.
In our modern society, there’s no such thing as being too safety-conscious. We’ve adopted a new motto: Better super safe than silent.
Take the airlines. There’s not a more natural pairing than airplanes and peanuts. Almost since the Wright brothers, those tiny foil bags of honeyed nuts have provided sustenance at 20,000 feet.
No more. Many airlines have banned nuts, apparently fearing that peanut fumes might jeopardize the health of people with allergies.
My guess is more people have died from airplane crashes than from airplane peanuts. But for some reason, the airlines don’t ban passengers because of the risk of sudden momentum reductions.
You won’t see many Batman costumes this year. Sensible parents now know that they are, as the company warns, “FOR PLAY ONLY: Mask and chest plate are not protective. Cape does not enable user to fly.”
Walt Disney Co. dangerously keeps marketing its Tinkerbell costume– WITHOUT WARNINGS!–exposing countless 3-year-olds to the double danger of wings and fairy dust. So much for safe family entertainment.
Governments are getting in on the hazard-free act too.
The U.S. Agriculture Department is still stymied over the cause of listeriosis outbreaks that have killed and sickened people who ate tainted hot dogs and sausages. I’ve got a suggestion for their warning: “This meat could possibly contain microbial bugs that, if ingested, could kill you–a lot faster than the product itself will.”
Oh, and I almost forgot. Warning: This column could contain certain comments that, if taken at face value, might lead to confusion and even mental paralysis.
Don’t say you weren’t warned.
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Contact David at DGreising@ tribune.com.
