Some people are suckers for a lost cause the way others are suckers for lost kitty cats. These quixotic souls are noble people, intelligent and fervent people, and if the world were ruled by logic alone, they would have their way.
They’re the kind of people who believe to the tips of their passionate toes that global communication would improve if we all converted to the universal language of Esperanto. Ditto for the metric system.
They are the tragically hopeful sort convinced that through constant correction of others, they can eradicate the improper use of the word “hopefully.” Ditto for the use of “impact” as a verb.
Of these lost-cause campaigners, none are more vocal or more doomed these days than the millennium party poopers. They howled in chorus recently after I wrote that for the next few weeks, ordinary events can be elevated to special occasions by naming them the last whatever of the millennium. (Last warm day of the millennium! Last haircut of the millennium! Last shoe sale of the millennium!)
But, no, none of this simple misguided fun for the millennium party poopers. These vigilantes will not sleep until the world admits the next millennium doesn’t begin until 2001.
“I do recommend and wish that intelligent people, like yourself, would not contribute to the perpetuation of the mercantile myth of a new millennium beginning 1/01/2000,” wrote Russell A. Willis. “Will you be good enough, using the entree you have to bring enlightenment to the world, to set the matter straight?”
Hopefully, Mr. Willis, you’ll be good enough to understand that the world does not want to be enlightened on this topic. We’ve got party plans!
“Let me go at Erroneous Millennium Thinking with a simple analogy,” chided Stewart Cudworth of St. Charles. “As a hypothesis, you lend me $2000, a simple short term, no interest loan. When I come to pay you back, I give you a check for $1999. What would your reaction be–outrage? confusion? When you protest I merely say to you, `Well, you don’t mind decades of 9 years, centuries of 99 years or millenniums of 999 years, so take the $1999 and have a big round of parties and pretend it’s $2000.”
Hey, Stewart–how do you say “I want my buck back” in Esperanto?
“You and so many of your fellow writers,” wailed Frank J. Perhats, “must be a product of the old failed Chicago public school system, mathematically disadvantaged as so many of you seem to be.”
Mr. Perhats, sir, I learned my bad math in Catholic schools in Georgia. So may I hopefully and respectfully suggest you take a five-kilometer hike?
One anonymous millennium party pooper sent a long piece of doggerel by one Mark Henschel that contains these verses:
Nine hundred ninety nine
Will end right on the nail,
A year short will it be,
“Millennium” will fail.
The proper year it is,
To have the party grand,
2000 at the end,
Then all strike up the band.
What can I say to that but:
You may be bright, you may be right
But Y2K’s the party night!
And while your math may be first-rate
Your poem, sir, is not so great.
“I read part of your artical in Friday Trib West,” wrote Rachel, no last name. “This is not the last warm day of the millennium. A millennium is one thousand years, this is only 1999.”
Part, Rachel? You read only part? In that case, I’ll pretend that the part you didn’t read pointed out that “millennium” by any definition is an arbitrary human invention. So why can’t we reinvent it to match our party plans?
“Oh, Mary, doncha weep doncha mourn,” wrote Russ Hurst of Wheaton. “You’ve got (shhh!) another whole year and seven weeks to worry about doing the `last of . . . ‘ whatever in this millennium! World Book Multimedia Encyclopedia (CD-ROM): `Century ordinarily means 100 years. The word is from the Latin centuria, meaning a hundred. The years 1 through 100 after the birth of Christ are called the first century; from 101 through 200 was the second century. The 21st century begins Jan. 1, 2001.’ Oh, yes, I will be out celebrating `the new millennium’ with my wife and our usual gang on Dec. 31st and have promised to keep my mouth shut.”
Now there’s a realist who knows better than to swim against the millennium tide. Hopefully, the rest of the millennium party poopers will follow.
