Hear ye, hear ye, the sort-of annual meeting of the Super Bowl Simpletons is now in order.
The Super Bowl Simpletons is a self-esteem-enhancing support group for any and all Americans afflicted by the seasonal affective disorder known as SAD, which is short for Superbowl Anger and Depression.
Once again in the week leading up to Super Bowl Sunday we meet to discuss how and why, January after January, so many of us manage to remain intellectually oblivious to, and emotionally detached from, the national hoopla over men in slimy mouthguards rolling in the dirt while arguing over a piece of pigskin.
Yes, we gather in solidarity today to fight the anger and depression we feel in a world that mocks us for our football ignorance and disregard. Together we can buck the bias that says it’s important to know who is playing in the Super Bowl, and where.
Bolstered by each other, we can take pride in knowing only one thing about Super Bowl Sunday: that everywhere we go, from the car radios in the grocery store parking lot to the rows of TVs at Best Buy, a game between teams unknown to us will be roaring out of electronic equipment, while in these same public places live humans will, bizarrely, be roaring back.
Excuse me? Yes, you in the back with the shirt that says “Bears.” Ah, bears. That’s so sweet. You’re a nature lover. I’m sorry? The Bears are a football team? Oh yeah. Given the way they play, it’s so easy to forget.
Sorry? You have something else to say?
Oh. This is not the week leading up to Super Bowl Sunday? It’s the Sunday after this one? My point exactly. The date of Super Bowl Sunday is precisely the kind of pointless point that means nothing to us Super Bowl Simpletons.
And you, sir, are disqualified from our organization. You have failed the first trick question on our entry examination. If you know nothing about Super Bowl Sunday except the date, you know too much.
Go read the Sports section.
And stop trying to sneak into our club so you can drink our herbal tea infusions instead of your Bud Light.
As for the rest of you gathered in this space, you must take the remainder of our quiz to qualify as a Super Bowl Simpleton. Be warned: It’s impossible to cheat based on previous quizzes because the questions change annually.
1. Super Bowl XXXV will be held in:
a. Big Bowl, a triple X-rated Asian restaurant chain
b. The Pussycat Theater, or a similar venue specializing in XXX entertainment.
c. Yet another city that imagines wrongly that Super Bowl coverage will make it a tourist attraction
2. How many previous Super Bowls have there been?
a. XXXIV
b. WHO@#$%!CARES
c. TOOX@#$% (circ) !MANY
3. Tampa is:
a. The site of Super Bowl @#$%!
b. A feminine hygiene product.
c. The only major Florida city that no matter how hard it tries is not an appealing tourist attraction.
4. The Baltimore Ravens are:
a. A relative of the Asian longhorned beetle, known for leaving bird poop on lawns all over Baltimore.
b. Not really a football team, are they? Whatever happened to real football names like the Vikings and the Raiders and the Studs?
c. The team that succeeded the Colts.
5. The team currently known as the Colts is now:
a. Definitely not in Super Bowl @##$!
b. Unluckily in a suburb of Chicago known as Indianapolis
c. Luckily not named the Ravens.
6. When I see the initials QB, I think:
a. Quality Paperback Book Club.
b. Could I get away with that abbreviation in Scrabble?
c. Only someone with a low IQ who reads GQ or watches PBS wouldn’t known that QB is another term for Q-tip, but that’s on the QT.
7. The only TV show that tempts me less than Super Bowl @#$%! is:
a. “Temptation Island”
b. That !@#$%! “Survivor.”
c. N/A.
8. On Super Bowl Sunday, I fully intend to:
a. Eat at Big Bowl.
b. Clean my toilet bowl.
c. Watch the game in spite of simple-minded myself.
