Dear Ann Landers: After 16 years of marriage, my wife tells me she is gay and having an affair with “Elmira,” a close family friend. I was stunned by the news. I always thought our marriage was wonderful and that we had no secrets. We have two daughters, ages 12 and 8. The older girl understands the situation and is not happy about her mother’s decision. The younger daughter, however, is confused. To complicate matters, she is best friends with Elmira’s daughter. Elmira and my wife have decided to leave their families and move in together, which makes the situation even messier. The neighbors are sure to find out, and word will spread like wildfire around our small community.
Can you give me some pointers on how to deal with this? I need to help my children respond when their friends start asking questions. — Stumped in San Diego
Dear San Diego: While most 8-year-olds do not have to deal with this subject, in your case, it cannot be avoided. It is imperative that you sit down with both your daughters and explain what is happening. For help discussing homosexuality with your children, please contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), 1726 M Street NW, Suite 400, Washington, D.C. 20036 (www.pflag.org).
Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to “Albert” for 12 years. His ex-wife died over the weekend, and Albert wants to attend the funeral. He says his 24-year-old daughter wants him by her side.
I think this is absurd. His ex-wife did nothing but cause trouble the entire time we’ve been married. It would be humiliating to me if Albert went to his ex-wife’s funeral and pretended to grieve. His daughter is an adult. She can manage without him.
I realize the funeral will be over by the time you read this, but I sure would like to know what you think. — The Real Wife in West Virginia
Dear Real Wife: I think you are being ungracious and petty. The woman is dead, for heaven’s sake, and cannot hurt you anymore. And his daughter does need him. Regardless of her age, a mother’s death is difficult. The wise response to your husband’s request would have been, “Of course you should go, dear. Your daughter needs you.”
Dear Ann Landers: I loved your response to “Indiana Bride.” She could not afford a sit-down dinner and wanted to know if she could ask her guests to pay for it. You said, “Serve cake and punch. Period.” My husband and I had a dessert reception following an afternoon wedding, and we had a great time. There were a variety of cakes, cookies and other sweets on three separate tables. There was no crowding, and everyone had plenty to eat. Our parents received a number of warm compliments on the nice, relaxed afternoon.
People forget the focus of the day is to celebrate a wedding. Relatives and friends want to spend their time visiting, not eating. A tasteful dessert reception within one’s budget is far better than going broke serving $15 chicken dinners. — Still Married in Seattle
Dear Seattle: Thanks for the vote of confidence. Too many bridal couples believe they must throw huge, formal parties and go into debt to impress others. Worse are those who think it is OK to charge their guests a dinner fee for the privilege of attending the festivities. No one should have a fancier wedding than he or she can afford.
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