Dinner is winding down at the Willisons’ home in Evanston, and yet John and Carol’s five children–Wesley, Keelia, Ashley, Paul and Joel–show no signs of leaving the table.
Every night of the week, before homework, games or practice, a chapter of the Bible is read. John Willison also prays aloud for his children using a prayer he wrote for each of them at their birth.
“We started doing this when our oldest child was born, and it has a centering effect on our family,” Willison said.
Syed and Lubna Haque of Lincolnwood, who are Muslim, pray with their six children at home every day. Syed Haque said she believes that “prayer strengthens families and when there is no prayer, kids don’t do as well.”
In the wake of Sept. 11, families throughout the country scrambled to reconnect or deepen already strong relationships. Although traditional ways of family bonding still are quite effective, many families are looking beyond mealtimes, vacations and day-to-day “quality time” for deeper levels of connection. They often are finding it in prayer.
Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician and parenting expert, extols many benefits of praying as a family.
“Children are searching for a belief system, and when you pray with your children, it tells them what you believe,” he said. “The top myth of parenting is that children should be free to choose their own belief system. This is like setting a boat out to sea without a rudder.”
In Sears’ latest book, “The Successful Child” (Little, Brown, $16.95), co-written with his wife, Martha, he says that, “Many parents devote a great deal of effort to shaping their child’s intellectual, emotional or physical development, but they shy away from teaching spirituality. They are neglecting a critical tool for success.
“Prayer also makes belief more real and shapes the identity of a family.”
He also says that family prayer “teaches empathy . . . especially as siblings pray for each other.”
Rabbi Brant Rosen of Jewish Reconstructionist Congregation in Evanston would agree.
“In Jewish tradition, there are many prayers and blessings that take place at home in the context of family life. Among other things, prayer can be a powerful teaching tool for parents to weave thankfulness into every aspect of family life. By offering blessings together during mealtime, bedtime or other sacred moments in the home, we help each other realize that our very life together is itself a series of wondrous miracles.”
Gregory and Suzanne Wolfe, authors of “Circle of Grace . . . Praying With and For Your Children,” say that “to gather each day to pray as a family is to relinquish our individual preoccupations and to place our little community in God’s hands.”
The Wolfes have established a daily 9 p.m. prayer time for their family where they experience what Gregory Wolfe calls “a democracy of prayer,” in which they blend spontaneous and written prayers.
“We’re all equally children of God, and praying together comes to us as naturally as eating and sleeping. Prayer is a thread, connecting us both to shared faith and to a larger community,” Wolfe said.
Rev. David Handley, pastor of First Presbyterian Church in Evanston, echoes this sentiment.
“When we pray together as a family there is a lot of transparency,” Handley said. “Our kids get a window into our own faith experience that we are vulnerable and needy, and we know where we can go with that. My wife and I welcome the prayers of our children for us.”
Cheryl and Tyrone Davis have found that prayer fits naturally into their weekly family meetings.
“With five children we have a lot to organize, and praying together as a family helps get us through the week,” Cheryl Davis said.
Most of their prayer is conversational in tone, speaking to God in their own words about the concerns of their hearts.
“At the time of our family meeting, we each pray for someone’s health,” Cheryl Davis said, “or we may pray for answers to help us solve a conflict with a friend or between another relative or even among ourselves.
“We thank God for allowing us to be together as a family and ask him to keep us safe each day while we are away from home and each other. I try to instill in the kids that there is power in prayer and that prayers are answered, not in their time but in God’s chosen time.
“With prayer, there must be patience and faith that God does hear them and will respond to them. Mostly we want the kids to realize that there is a spiritual side of what they do every day,” she said.
A priority
For Jewish families, an ideal place for prayer is Friday night Shabbat dinner. For the Furman family of Evanston–Mel and Boris and their children, Noah, Ezra, Emma and Jonah–attendance at this weekly meal is a priority over regular social events.
“We hold the time tightly but not rigidly; it is a central piece of our social life,” Mel Furman said. Components of their traditional service are lighting candles, ritual hand washing and blessing bread.
“When I light the candles, I sometimes add a petition asking for strength and/or relief for somebody suffering, often due to illness or loss. It can be a family member or friend or even somebody in the news who has touched me. This is the only form of personal prayer I can think of in our family life. I believe that it models for my kids that we ask God for strength, healing and courage, not a new Nintendo system,” Furman said.
The children receive a blessing from their father that is part of the Shabbat service, Furman said, “but my husband adds to the traditional words his own comments about each child’s achievements and praiseworthy actions from the week past. I pipe up now and then when he’s missed something.
“Through this practice we hope to create in the kids a positive association with prayer as well as to remind ourselves to notice and reinforce the wonderful gifts with which our children bless us,” she said.
Often guests join the Furmans for dinner and all children who are present receive a blessing.
“It is part of who we are as a family,” Mel said.
Debbie and David Braun would say the same about their approach to family prayer.
Anchoring the family
“Regardless of where we all are during the week, we come together on Friday nights to share a spiritual experience. We pray, sing and eat together and that anchors us as a family,” Debbie Braun said.
The Haques’ Muslim faith prescribes five set times a day to pray. Two of these times occur when the family usually is at home, after sunset and at bedtime.
Syed Haque said, “Although at the mosque we pray separately as men and women, at home we pray as a family.”
Consistency in family prayer also can include whenever the need arises. Handley said that when his children were younger, the family had more formal prayer times, but “now we pray more as a family when life presents issues.”
Although consistency is important, monotony is a dead end. One of the biggest stumbling blocks to getting started in family prayer is knowing what to do. The Wolfes’ book and Web site, www.circleofgrace.com, offer suggestions for praying with children of various ages, including “short-attention-span prayers.”
Many families view Thanksgiving Day as a chance to remember what they are grateful for. The Willisons do this every day by giving each family member an opportunity to thank God for something specific.
John said, “We have the kids say something they’re thankful for each evening. They start listing things, and it can go on quite a bit” as the children list everything from different kinds of food to people they saw that day.
“We don’t really do much requesting except on an as-needed basis, such as if they need money for something, we pray for a job for them. If they are having trouble sleeping because of bad dreams, we ask for Jesus’ protection, and we also ask for courage.”
Blessings and meals
Praying before eating is common in many homes. The Davis family says the meal prayer in unison. The Braun family of Evanston sings their blessing before the traditional Friday night Shabbat dinner.
Written prayers from the Bible, Torah and Koran shape the structure in many homes. Often these can be starting or ending portions to more informal prayer. In the Haque home, verses from the Koran are read, and often extra prayer is added for special needs such as health or job concerns.
Handley recommends using the Lord’s Prayer as a starting point and praying one section of it at a time. The Willisons memorize portions of Scripture as a family and pray those verses back to God.
During the Catholic mass there is an opportunity for “special intentions” or personal prayers to be added to the liturgy, and this practice can be incorporated into family prayer.
“We may pray the Lord’s Prayer or even the rosary, but we always add our current prayer needs as well,” said Cheryl Davis.
Although faith differences abound in U.S. culture, universal principles still apply.
“Whether your family’s spiritual beliefs are based on the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, the teachings of Buddha or another spiritual tradition, giving your children a sense of being connected to a being larger than themselves brings depth and richness to life and relationships,” says Sears in “The Successful Child.”
For Greg Wolfe, that depth and richness have their roots planted in the reality of day-to-day life. “Prayer should be understood not so much as a retreat from the ordinary,” he said, “as it is a hallowing or consecrating of the ordinary.”
