Some of the statistics about illegitimacy may surprise you. About a third of babies today are born out of wedlock, and experts predict that by 2015 that will rise to half. We recently heard from Howard, who said girls raised by single mothers turn into “bar sluts” and boys into “sissies.” Here’s what you had to say . . .
Alice: “My mother died a month after I was born. I was shipped from relative to relative until my father remarried. It was a horrible situation. I was sexually abused and later saw sex as a way to prove that I loved someone and with the hope someone would love me in return. I became pregnant. I was coerced by the father, my aunt and Catholic Charities into surrendering my daughter. If one person had helped me, I could and would have kept my child. Would she have been happier? I don’t know. I do know she wasn’t happy with her adoptive parents. Having a mother and father doesn’t always make a happy home. I think many women can do the job alone, but most of us in the 1950s to 1970s were never given that chance or choice.”
Marianne: “My parents divorced when I was 3. I was raised by a single mom who did an amazing job with me and my sister. Neither I nor my sister ever became `bar sluts,’ but I will tell you this: It did definitely affect my relationships with men. My dad, for many years, was a great dad, but when I was 13, he remarried, moved 50 miles away. He was so into his new family he couldn’t be bothered with me or my sister. Going into your teenage years without a father is the worst. I had some decent relationships, but for the most part, I wanted attention and would sometimes date men out of desperation. I dated one man who was emotionally and even somewhat physically abusive. After years of therapy, I’m in a wonderful, open, honest relationship. My point is, all kids need both parents, a male and a female, from birth and beyond.”
Margaret: “In 1971, I lost my first-born son to the adoption industry, and I have never fully recovered. He was lost to me not because I was unable to be his parent but because I was young and not married. Fortunately, he had the courage and the drive to search for me and find me. Meanwhile, I am and have been a single parent for the greater part of my life, and each of my children is a successful, healthy, happy, contributing member of society. Neither of my grown sons is a sissy, and my daughter is an honor student who sings in our church choir, plays piano, dances, writes poetry, and is an outstanding athlete. All without her alcoholic father’s influence. A marriage license is not a parenting degree.”
Patrick: “I used to think that being married, raising kids in a two-parent family was the only way to do it. But you know what? As a 44-year-old, Catholic, married father of two teenage daughters, I’ve completely reversed myself. Most of my unmarried co-workers are close to their kids, check in on them regularly while at work, talk about their kids constantly and look forward to taking vacation time to spend with them. I now firmly believe that while it’s not necessary for parents to be married, what is necessary is for both parents is to be absolutely committed to the mental, physical, educational and spiritual well-being of the children. Without that commitment a marriage license doesn’t mean a thing.”
Dora: “My mother raised my brother and me without a man because Dad divorced us all when he married another family. Poof! Vanished. It was a bummer, but my brother, married with two children, is no sissy. And far from being a bar slut, I’m an empty nester married forever to the best mirl/metrosexual hubby in the world. How ’bout that, a sissy raised by his two biological parents!”
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What are your New Year’s Eve plans? Send them, along with your relationship questions, to Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611 or e-mail cheryllavin@aol.com. All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column. Read Tales From the Front Monday, Wednesday and Friday in Tempo.
