Dear Amy: Yesterday was the second Sunday I attended a small country church here in Colorado. I have been searching for a new church since moving out of the city and this church is near my home.
A white couple in their 60s were seated in the pew in front of me and when mass ended we filed out with them behind me.
Outside of the church the woman exclaimed “ay, ay, ay,” which is an exclamation in Spanish meaning “oh, oh, oh” as she and her husband were walking behind me.
I am an American of Spanish descent and know that this exclamation was directed at me. I chose to keep on walking, but I was shocked and distressed that she couldn’t contain her prejudice even at church.
I hate to use the “race card” here, but when telling my husband about it (he’s white), he was enraged.
Should I have confronted her? Maybe embarrassing her in front of her cronies would have taught her that I don’t have to tolerate this type of treatment.
Should I repeat her snide remark behind her next Sunday at church services with a smirk on my face?
My heart is heavy with sadness that prejudice is alive and well in this little community.
I know I’m an outsider even though my family has been in Colorado since the 1700s. Please help me decide what to do!
— Put Down at Church
Dear Put Down: I have to admit that I was not aware that “ay, ay, ay” was offensive — thinking that it was a multipurpose and multicultural exclamation. I am told that in Spanish it is a phrase of exasperation, loosely translated as “oh dear! oh dear! oh dear!”
If your gut tells you that this woman meant to offend you, then you are probably right.
The answer here is not for you to offend her in turn. That makes you as snide and foolish as she is. If you confront her at all, it should be to simply ask if this remark was intended for you, and if so, what she means by it.
I think you should take this matter to the clergy at your new church and allow them the opportunity to address this as a pastoral matter. How they react to you will help you decide whether you wish to continue attending services there.
Dear Amy: Three years ago my girlfriend and I decided to call it quits. We were together for 12 years. She had a son who was 2 years old when we got together.
This boy and I always had a good relationship and I always treated him like I do my own son, who is five years older.
After we broke up my ex went back with her ex-husband. I tried to remain close to her son, calling him and sending birthday and Christmas gifts.
The boy’s parents broke up again, leaving him without a father again.
Two years ago I met somebody very nice, warm and caring. This year we were married.
I still call and send birthday and Christmas gifts to my ex’s son.
My wife feels that this is wrong as he has never sent me any thank-you cards, and I always reply that he is a teenager. He does call and always thanks me for the gifts I send.
I need some advice on what I should be doing. Should I forget this young man? His real father keeps leaving him, and I am having a difficult time.
— Confused in Mass.
Dear Confused: Your wife might try to convince you that she is concerned with thank-you cards, but I suspect that this is about a relationship that she doesn’t appreciate and may be trying to sever.
Please don’t let her. The fact that you value this boy enough to be a consistent presence in his life speaks so well of you. This boy’s father is teaching him that fatherhood is fleeting. What a terrible lesson.
Your relationship with this young man shows him that adults can be a constant in his life. Your wife should value this about you. Even though she is focused on the boy, she might actually fear some lingering attachment to your ex. If this is so, I hope you can talk it out. Otherwise, your choice to be in touch with him should not be up for discussion.
Dear Amy: My accountant is a nice lady in her early 40s, and does a very good job for me, but she really has bad body odor. She has been my accountant for a number of years, and some years it is worse than others, but it seems to have gotten worse recently. It is getting to the point where I dread going over to her office. Is there a nice way for me to tell her this without offending her?
— Holding My Nose
Dear Holding: Unlike those situations where you can offer a mint to someone with bad breath, it’s not as if you can give your accountant a pine tree air freshener to hang on her collar button. I do think, however, that you could blame her office — not her — for the odor.
“I’ve noticed that it smells `stuffy’ in here, Arlene, could I open a window?” you might ask. I’m sure readers will want to help further. This is a tough one.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at Chicagotribune.com/amy.
