This contract is entered into as of the 16th day of March 2005, between Mark Bazer (hereafter referred to as “Eater”) and Jane’s Diner (hereafter referred to as “Restaurant”) and any third party preternaturally obsessed with 31-year-old Eater’s dietary habits (hereafter referred to as “Mom”). Whereas:
— the occupational duties for Eater on the Tuesday of each week have reached a level of such magnitude that the midday meal must be consumed in Eater’s cubicle, and consist solely of vending-machine fare (hereafter referred to as “Famous Amos”), and;
–the Restaurant’s current weekly soup schedule stipulates the serving of Eater’s preferred variety, Cream of Chicken, on, and only on, Tuesdays, and;
— this incompatibility is an obstruction of both commerce and nourishment,
the parties agree to the following:
1. The Soup
(a) For the duration of contract’s term (one calendar year), Restaurant will alter previously referenced soup schedule such that Cream of Chicken is offered on the Friday of each week, a day on which Eater’s office activities consist primarily of analyzing espn.com and experiencing anguish over the declining state of Lindsay Lohan.
(b) During the term, Eater will patronize Restaurant every Friday, in which he will order and pay for at least one (1) bowl of Cream of Chicken, with the exception of those Fridays that (i) Eater is on vacation no less than one hundred and seventy-five (175) miles away or (ii) concerns about Ms. Lohan render Eater unable to keep anything down.
(c) For the first three months of the term, Eater will interject the news of Restaurant’s soup schedule change and expressions of ebullience over the Cream of Chicken into all interactions, including but not limited to business meetings, dental appointments and traffic altercations. (For the latter, soup schedule change must be detailed prior to extension of middle finger, on either hand.)
2. Exclusivity
(a) Eater agrees not to partake of Cream of Chicken at any other establishment. However, if jailed, Eater can partake of Cream of Chicken (if served by guard, not snuck in (unless snuck in by Restaurant)).
(b) Eater shall have the right to eat any chicken product other than Cream of Chicken, whether in solid or liquid form, with the exception of frozen-food chicken nuggets in the shapes of various animals.
3. Eater Discrepancy
(a) Eater shall have the right and duty to enhance quality of Cream of Chicken with up to and including salt, pepper and Tabasco Sauce, as provided for no additional charge and without subtle but undeniable expression of resentment by Restaurant.
4. Termination
(a) Eater may void contract in the event that Restaurant makes alterations to Cream of Chicken price ($2.50), quality (high), or consistency (similar to Pert Plus); its bowl size; or its rat population (unless decreased).
(b) Eater may void contract if federal law is passed requiring all citizens to purchase “combo” meal on non-federal holiday weekdays between noon and 2 p.m. at Subway.
(c) Restaurant may void contract in the event that Eater is found to be selling leftovers of Cream of Chicken. However, Eater may provide leftovers free of charge to any homeless person, so long as Eater interjects into interaction the news of soup schedule change, as in accordance with Provision 1C.
(d) Restaurant may void contract in the event that Eater, on more than three consecutive Fridays, plays with food.
4. Liability
(a) Restaurant shall not be liable for inability to provide Cream of Chicken in event of nuclear catastrophe or chicken-population uprising.
In adherence of the above, the parties agree to execute this contract.
Mark Bazer
Jane’s Diner
Mom
———-
mebazer@yahoo.com
