A short time ago the Tribune’s Tales From the Front column tackled the issue of weight. More specifically, is a man who doesn’t find his wife sexually attractive because of excess avoirdupois a bad person?
Reaction was pretty much along gender lines. Surprise, right? But the fact that men are shallow is the elephant in the room. Brain scans show that in men, “visual” is hopelessly intertwined with “sexual.” That is, they like pretty girls. This just in. And if we hook up with one, we’d love for her to stay that way. If a waiter brought you a gross-looking meal when you ordered a nice-looking one, would you accept it? It might be tasty, and the ingredients are identical to the lovely meal you ordered. But would you accept it?
In a truly honest world, should relationships be all that different?
Yes, we should love the person inside. And we do. But it’s usually the person outside with whom we want to frolic. And what in the heck is wrong with wanting that person, whether a husband or a wife, to remain datable, even after you’ve signed on for the long-term deal? If a pro athlete signs a long-term deal, then loses his edge, should the team complain? Does it hurt the player’s feelings? Probably. So what?
There might be a fundamental problem with the relationship in question that is making the wife “act out,” so to speak. Some lack of respect or some ire thing going down. That’s a different story. If disability or some illness changes your wife or girlfriend, that’s one thing. If the only “disability” is an inability to push away from the table, what then? It’s her body, sure. But we don’t have to like it. And no, not Botox, surgery and all that junk. That’s silly, because aging is human.
But are we supposed to stop being guys once we enter long-term relationships or marriages? Why are we just supposed to accept — no, be just as happy about — a unilateral change in working conditions? Unions strike over such things.
I’ve been with the same woman for two decades. She’s fit, fabulous and becoming even more so. Because she knows that if life stinks when you’re middle-aged and unfit, it’s really going to stink when you’re old and unfit. But I also like to think that she’s fit because she likes it, and I like it. A lot.
To be clear, fat doesn’t make us stop loving you. The attributes that made us want to seal the deal are still there. It’s just that there’s so much of you that the heat isn’t there anymore. Love can contribute to sex, but at some point, sex is still sex. If the person doesn’t make you hot, it’s difficult to stay interested.
Now, the “She might have gained 150 pounds but she’s still the one for me” missives will no doubt come flying over the transom. God love ya. But when you first notice someone, you can’t see the brain. Something makes you say to yourself, “Wow!” If, as time goes on with that person, the “Wow” becomes “Whoa,” why resign yourself to dignified, accepting silence?
At its most basic, sex is about attraction. And if the “want” isn’t there, faking only works for so long.
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kmwilliams@tribune.com
