It’s our first weekend in a quite a while without Chicago baseball. Yep, right on schedule. At least you have the Battle of the Fives to keep you entertained.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Swartz
Scott Kleinberg
TOPIC 1: WHO OR WHAT IS TARVARIS JACKSON?
How someone named Travis Jackson might spell his name if he couldn’t spell.
Tarvaris is the chief competitor with Sybaris for romantic getaways. I could be wrong.
The worst starting QB in the league. Besides Carolina’s. And Miami’s. And Kansas City’s …
The name Janet Jackson gave to the cellulite she lost.
He’s the QB that thinks he’s going to come in and beat the Bears on Sunday. He’s right.
TOPIC 2: DESCRIBE A TYPICAL VIKINGS FAN.
Smelly. Jerky. Dorky. Delusional. Gee, I had no idea Tracy was a Vikings fan.
When they go to the game, they don’t have a beer or pop, they have a beeyer or soder.
I support their love of the color purple. Not sure about the mullets though.
Perkins patrons who walked out of “Fargo” because it hit too close to home.
They have beards, eat smoked fish and travel to games by boat.
TOPIC 3: RANDY MOSS OR TERRELL OWENS — AND DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION.
I’ll take both and make death a double option.
Randy Moss. Yeah, he’s nice now, but wait until the first couple of losses.
Wow, this is tougher than “lose a limb/go home with Courtney Love.”
I think T.O. should Sharpie some guyliner on Randy if he passes out.
Randy Moss — because I just can’t stand Terrell Owens.
TOPIC 4: HOW DID DAVE WANNSTEDT’S TEAM LOSE TO NAVY?
What part about “Dave Wannstedt’s team” didn’t you understand?
It’s Wanny. His Bears team could have lost to Navy.
He game-planned under the assumption that Pitt would be playing the shade of blue.
Like the Sex Panther scent, 60 percent of the time the Pittsburgh Panthers work every time.
Never underestimate the Pitt Panthers. They can pull out a loss like no one’s business.
TOPIC 5: MICHAEL STRAHAN SAYS CHEERLEADERS ARE A ‘HUGE DISTRACTION.’ WHY IS THAT?
The boobs. No, wait. The butts. No, I’ll go with the boobs.
Wait, how huge a distraction are we talking? And speak slowly.
Because they keep forgetting the playbook when the Giants need them to line up at wide receiver.
Because he starts thinking about fantasy football.
He’d never say that if he sat down and really got to know one.
Bag Dog
Ky Pham
Jorge Nino
Chuck Mikuzis
Skates
TOPIC 1: WHO OR WHAT IS TARVARIS JACKSON?
The Vikings QB and the youngest son of Tito.
A distant member of The Jackson 5. You can tell by the way he shuffles his feet.
I know a girl by that name, but I don’t think you’re asking about her.
A robot sent back in time to throw three or more interceptions Sunday. Griese will throw 7.
Someone whose IQ is actually lower than mine.
TOPIC 2: DESCRIBE A TYPICAL VIKINGS FAN.
When I bite their legs, they taste like Swedish meatballs.
Obnoxious, horny helmets and one who speaks incoherently. Flava Flav!!!
Very hopeful of his team, but know they won’t win it all … like a Cubs fan.
Flava Flav, but fat, pale and smelling like World War II. Stop blowing that horn.
Tell them to stick to hockey. They think football is played on a frozen pond.
TOPIC 3: RANDY MOSS OR TERRELL OWENS — AND DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION.
T.O., baby! No, wait, I mean T.O. IS a baby.
T.O. Next question!
They have to play paper, scissor, rock, and whoever wins gets my vote.
T.O. His middle name is Eldorado. I’d be a jerk too if I was named after a Cadillac.
Randy Moss. You have to appreciate a guy who moons Packer fans.
TOPIC 4: HOW DID DAVE WANNSTEDT’S TEAM LOSE TO NAVY?
He’s on the right team because Wanny is the Pitts.
They were distracted by the subliminal messages across the stadium “YVAN EHT NIOJ.”
They didn’t sink their battleship.
His mustache muffled the headset mic. He called a punt play, but it came out “Hillary ’08.”
He didn’t consult Wolves Head Coach John Anderson.
TOPIC 5: MICHAEL STRAHAN SAYS CHEERLEADERS ARE A ‘HUGE DISTRACTION.’ WHY IS THAT?
Strahan also said the Redskins cheerleaders are hottest. Dan Snyder, will spend for anything …
‘Cause they give me a “huge distraction.”
That’s something I’ve been trying to figure out for years.
They’re only huge if they’re from Wisconsin … maybe Ohio too. He likes ’em big, I guess.
I guess at his age everything becomes a distraction.
