Dear Amy: My husband recently passed away in his sleep. He was only 50 and was not ill, so it was extremely unexpected. He was very well known in the community and loved by all. I have had an outpouring from people asking what they can do to help, which is quite thoughtful.
I am holding up as best as I can, but I don’t know how to respond when people ask what they can do for me. I am uncomfortable asking people for help for minor things, even though right now I am struggling to do these small things.
I want to make a suggestion to folks who would like to help in this period of mourning: Don’t ask; just do it. Come mow the lawn, bring by a few necessary grocery items, come on over and run the vacuum for me, walk my dogs, etc. These are things I would be so grateful for but couldn’t ask anyone to do.
I hope this doesn’t sound whiny or petty, but really, these small gestures would be a blessing right now.
I am so sad at the sudden loss; he was so wonderful, and I knew how much he loved me. But every morning it’s a struggle even to make a cup of coffee. I know as time goes by this will all ease, but simple kindnesses would help so much. I have been blessed that the last words we said to each other were, “I love you.”
Make every day an “I love you” day; you never know when it might be the last.
— Laura
Dear Laura: Let me add my own note of sympathy and support after your loss.
I hope that you will find the strength to reach out when you can. People simply don’t always know what to do or how to help. They also don’t want to intrude, even though as you say, a little “intrusion” would be helpful.
Fellowship with others who have also suffered loss will help you heal. Perhaps a friend could help you find a support group in your area.
I’d like to recommend two books that might bring you comfort: “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping & Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One,” by Brook Neal and Pamela Blair (2003, Sourcebooks), and “The Year of Magical Thinking,” by Joan Didion (2007, Vintage). These women suffered from sudden and heartbreaking losses. Their experiences might help guide you.
Dear Amy: My husband and I recently struck up a friendship with my male cousin who lives in another state. We have each been married to our respective spouses 30 or more years and seem to have a lot in common. He and his wife seem to have good family values.
On a recent get-together, during a golf game the guys were having, my cousin off-handedly said to my husband that he was cheating on his wife with all of her best friends. My husband said it took him by such surprise that he made no comment back, and he regrets having told me. My cousin is a big prankster as well as a braggart, and it is entirely possible that what he said is not true but a false boast, made for shock value.
I don’t know whether I should confront my cousin or say something to his wife. We have vague plans for the next get-together, and I don’t know if I want to pursue our relationship with them. My husband says I should forget it, but I can’t.
— Sue
Dear Sue: Let’s assume that your cousin was boasting and that what he said isn’t true. Now you’re left with a man who would make such a claim to someone he doesn’t know well. How obnoxious.
I can understand why you wouldn’t want to go out of your way to know your cousin better, but because he is a family member, you should be open to the possibility.
There is no reason for you to confront him. Let it lie.
Dear Amy: This is in response to “A Fan of True Love.” She states that she is worried about the relationship a friend of hers is having because it consists of a lot of text messaging. This is very normal these days.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and at one point texting was our main way of communicating. He and I were living 90 minutes apart at one time, so texting was necessary to not run up the phone bill. We now live five minutes apart, and we still text each other all the time, whether it’s to say I love you or if he needs to find out what I would like for dinner.
If her friend is happy with where her relationship is, then “Fan” need not worry!
— Still Texting
Dear Texting: People in love will always be early adopters of communications technology. It takes some time for the rest of the world to catch up.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
