Dear Amy: My brother died from AIDS recently, and our mother has instructed me, my sisters and our families to keep the cause of his death secret from other family members, friends and neighbors.
When asked how he died, she names some other disease. She has even asked mourners at his funeral to donate to a charity for people suffering from that other disease.
My mother cared for my ailing brother for many years. I understand that she might fear being ostracized by those who might unfairly suggest his death from AIDS was the result of failed parenting, violation of religious norms or an unacceptable sexual orientation (my brother was gay, and so am I).
These subjects are taboo with her.
How can I respect my mother’s wishes and also tell the truth, so that I can be “real” with my cousins and other relatives? I want to honor my brother’s memory and show support for others with AIDS or infected with HIV.
— Wordless
Dear Wordless: If your mother has told you to lie about the cause of your brother’s death, then you can’t respect her wishes and also tell the truth.
You and your siblings should encourage her to discuss this openly with you, even if she can’t discuss it with others.
If you can’t persuade your mother to be truthful, tell her that you can’t and won’t lie about your brother.
You should be “real” with the people in your life for many reasons — but mainly because you deserve to live honestly and authentically, regardless of how you think others may wish you to be.
Your family could find support and community for your mother through PFLAG.org, the website for Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
Dear Amy: I was married for 53 years when my husband died two years ago. I am 75 years old.
I am the only living grandparent for all my grandchildren. I went on an Internet dating service and met a man who lives nearby. It was like love at first sight. We met for lunch and simply could not stop talking. We have a great deal in common.
He is wonderful, and I love him, and he loves me.
My late husband begged me not to become a lonely widow but to live life to the fullest.
So now we are going to be married.
My oldest daughter, a minister, is most supportive and will perform the ceremony, and her children will attend. My other two daughters have sent me an email stating that they will not attend. One states that she is not mentally prepared to see me with some person who is not her dad and that her daughters are even more resistant to it.
Although she says she understands why I would want companionship, she refuses to believe that I could be in love and want to marry the man I love.
Obviously this is very hurtful. I assume they want me to give up on love and live out my life lonely and alone.
I will, of course, carry out my wedding plans, but I wonder if you have advice as to how to deal with this.
— Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Here’s how you should deal with this — with your loving man at your side, presided over by your supportive daughter and attended by other family members and friends.
Just as your one daughter said, “I understand you want companionship,” you could return the sentiment and say, “I understand this is difficult for you, but I trust that you will come around in time. I certainly hope so because I love you dearly and I will miss you very much.”
Hold your head up high. Do not give in to emotional blackmail. If your daughters really do want to see you happy, then your happiness will be your vindication.
Dear Amy: “Sleepless in Portland” was disturbed by his wife’s choice to work well into the night on her laptop in their bedroom.
There is no law that married couples need to share one bedroom.
My wife and I have had separate bedrooms for as long as we have been together. This is primarily due to our working different shifts, but also because I snore and she is a blanket hog.
With this system, sleeping together is always a choice, rather than an obligation.
I believe this is part of the reason we’ve been together for 24 years.
— Rested
Dear Rested: I’m happy this has worked for you, but many people simply don’t have the room to set up separate sleeping quarters. The easiest solution is for this wife to find another place to work.
