Dear Amy: My friend had an affair with a married man from our high school class. She doesn’t think this is common knowledge.
At our reunion this year several male members of the class, who she thinks are her friends, made disparaging remarks — and women don’t want her around their husbands.
There is another get-together on the calendar.
Do I tell my friend about the scuttlebutt or should I stay quiet?
— Friend
Dear Friend: When your friend engaged in an extramarital affair with someone in your group, she should have also assumed that people would find out about it and it could affect her reputation.
If you are present when people are trashing your friend behind her back, you should ask them to stop.
And as long as this group is casting aspersions, I assume they have saved some harsh judgment for the man in the group who cheated on his wife?
(Thanks for the reminder of why I hate high school, by the way.)
You shouldn’t repeat disparaging remarks that others have made about your friend. Nor should you lie to her if she asks you a direct question, but there is no reason to volunteer the scuttlebutt because realistically, there is nothing she can do about this after the fact.
Dear Amy: My sister is getting married next year and has been told that she needs to invite our alcoholic and emotionally unstable aunt. Unfortunately, our aunt does not believe she has a problem, and we fear that if we have a bar at the reception, there will be many awkward and uncomfortable issues.
Is there any way to go about planning this wedding without having drama?
— Concerned Bridesmaid
Dear Concerned: You cannot guarantee a drama-free wedding. Most families are complicated and messy and have family members who create anxiety.
You can do your best to mitigate the drama by having a plan in place if there is a problem on the day.
Assign a family member who is willing to keep an eye on your aunt and escort her quietly out, if necessary.
Dear Amy: “Worried” was a young woman complaining of being coerced because her boyfriend said that she didn’t need to enjoy the sex he wanted to have with her.
You accused him of being a bully, but what you are doing is reinforcing her position as bully.
In modern relationship and sexuality education and therapy, we experts propose a flexible approach to sexuality (and much better communication style than this couple has).
Any couple will find that their interest and libido are not in sync.
What this guy really needs is a better way to communicate what he would like and ask if she is willing to help out.
Think of all the things we do for our partner that we know makes them feel good, but our heart isn’t really in it on a given day.
I might go to a movie with my partner even if I’m not that into it, and he might do the same for me. Why shouldn’t our sexual lives be like this? He didn’t force her to have sex — she can always say no. He was just clumsy at how he asked.
You have an opportunity to help change sexist and outdated notions about our sexual lives.
— Professor of Psychology, Sex Educator and Therapist
Dear Professor: Many people didn’t like my response to “Worried.” But you think this is about “sexuality,” while I think it’s about power and control.
I agree that this couple demonstrated an atrocious communicating style, but I chose not to focus on the boyfriend (who I do believe was being a bully), but with Worried, who said she had been sexually coerced and manipulated.
She did feel forced to have sex. “I gave in and did what he wanted” does not demonstrate consent.
I agree that she needed to learn to say the word “no” to sex if she didn’t want it.
Sex is not like going to the movies, and if you counsel people that it is, then you are diminishing the importance and consequences of this choice.
