Dear Amy: My husband’s older sister visits for overnight stays a few times a year. She has never married and has no children. About seven years ago, she started inviting herself for Christmas. She stays for several days.
Our wedding anniversary is two days after Christmas. She gets upset if my husband wants to spend time with me on that day. For the past seven years we haven’t celebrated our anniversary. This year is our 20th, and my husband promised me we would celebrate alone.
She says she needs a knee replacement and found a doctor near our town whom she likes. I’ve offered to help with her post-op care.
She just told us she scheduled it for Dec. 21, and will need 10 days’ care.
In any other circumstance, I would have no problem rising to the occasion.
I should point out that she is often mean to me; she seems to dislike each of her siblings’ spouses.
I know my husband feels stuck in the middle, but our marriage has suffered because of this situation and his reluctance to stand up to her.
I don’t know how to handle this. No other family member will invite her to their home — they tell me they don’t want the drama she brings to ruin their holiday.
— Harried Spouse
Dear Harried: Your husband can’t stand up to his sister. You won’t stand up to her. The two of you would do better if you had a thought-out strategy, an actual plan and even a script of sorts to handle this.
You sound like nice people. You need to take care of yourselves, each other and your relationship. In addition to other details, if you aren’t in good shape, you won’t be able to take care of this pesky in-law.
Work with your husband. Decide what works best for you. And then take this plan to your sister-in-law.
Do you really want to devote your Christmas to nursing her after her knee surgery? No. And so you tell her that the pre-Christmas date will not work.
Do you really want to celebrate your 20th anniversary with your husband? Yes. And so you say, “Joe and I have plans for our 20th anniversary so we won’t be home that night.”
Write out these simple statements. Call your sister-in-law and put her on speakerphone, if necessary, so you can both speak with her.
Tell her what would work best for you. Don’t budge. She’ll have to learn to work around you.
Dear Amy: I had to laugh at the letter from “Biting My Tongue,” the woman whose friend always compared their daughters.
I am an adult now, but a friend of my parents used to do this all the time. She compared me with her prized child. I was aware of this from a very early age.
In fairness the prized child was significantly more scholastically inclined than I. She was an exceptional high school student. However, when it came to college everything changed; she ended up being kicked out. Maybe it was too much pressure.
I suffered through high school, but I got into the college of my choice and recently graduated with my master’s from a prestigious university. I have had wonderful experiences along the way. The competitive mom has since apologized to my parents and me.
I think that if people will just relax, they’ll see that these things tend to work themselves out.
— No Prize
Dear Prize: I completely agree.
Dear Amy: I’ve noticed many letters in your column concerning whether it is humane to declaw cats. I had my cat declawed, but then the cat dashed outside and couldn’t defend himself or climb a tree to get away from a dog.
It was awful.
— Cat Man
Dear Man: The response to this letter has been huge. If people want a declawed cat, they should adopt an already declawed cat from a shelter.
I am a passionate animal fan and this year will put my paws to work, raising money for the SPCA in my hometown.
Readers interested in viewing a video of me with my cat and perhaps contributing to this worthy cause can check firstgiving.com/fundraiser/amydickinson.
