Dear Amy: For several years my husband has invited a friend of 35 years to our home for Thanksgiving. This friend immediately bellies up to our bar, makes drinks for the men and regales them with tales of his conquests, business deals and travels. He monopolizes the conversation throughout the meal.
He does not make any effort to get to know or speak to the women guests, and if they try to speak with him, he dismisses them rudely. The moment dessert is over he begins yawning and (thankfully) leaves.
Last year our family members wanted to know why he had been invited because he spoiled our Thanksgiving once again.
My very kind husband feels sorry for this person and can’t stand the thought of him having Thanksgiving alone. I feel he has ruined two Thanksgiving dinners and I don’t want him to ruin another.
In the past he has called in October to invite himself over. This year I want to tell him we are just having family over for dinner. My husband thinks that is mean-spirited.
Supposedly he has “lots of friends” and family out of town that he could spend the holiday with.
What else can I say to convince my husband that his friend should not be included?
— Fed Up
Dear Fed Up: Your husband is kindhearted, and apparently he is willing to be unkind to a group of people to be kind to one person. Or maybe he and the other men genuinely enjoy this particular person while the women guests do not.
I suggest a Thanksgiving compromise. Tell your husband that you’d like to have a family-only dinner, but would be willing to offer his friend an awesome dessert package consisting of drinks, regaling, pumpkin pie and conversation domination.
You and your kin can enjoy your dinner, catch your breath and greet this person sated and in the spirit of the season.
Dear Amy: My 16-year-old daughter received an invitation to another 16-year-old’s “baby shower.” I was shocked, to say the least. I don’t want to allow my daughter to attend.
While I admire the teen’s mother (who is also single) for supporting her child in her unwed pregnancy, I don’t believe throwing a baby shower for her and inviting her school-age, underage “friends” is appropriate.
It seems to me like the teen’s mother is condoning and celebrating pregnancy at a young age in which a child will be brought into the world with an immature mother and no father. Maybe she has watched too many reality TV shows.
I don’t feel a celebration is in order. Am I just getting too old?
— Confused
Dear Confused: You may be old — or feel old — but babies haven’t changed much. They still need diapers and bouncy seats — and their moms (no matter the age) usually feel their pregnancy experience is unique and worth celebrating.
This presents an opportunity for you to ask your daughter some important questions: What does she think it would really be like for her friend to have a baby?
Who will raise the child? Who will pay for and provide for this baby?
Why is this friend having sex so young? Did she and do other sexually active girls at school use birth control — and if not, why not?
Let your daughter tell you what she thinks of this — and listen to what she says.
It is your job to convey your values to your daughter, but it is not necessary to judge other people’s values. You may want to say, “Honey, if you get pregnant, you should know that there won’t be much of a party. If you make this choice you will have to interrupt your education to get a job and provide for your child.”
Dear Amy: “Distressed” wondered if she should leave her young marriage, but her husband said that if she did he would “die.”
My ex-husband controlled me in this way and I stayed in the marriage for too long. Eventually I got the courage to leave, and guess what — somehow he managed to survive.
— Survivor
Dear Survivor: I agree that this threat is troubling.
