There are many things I love about being a member of the news media.
It allows me to use semicolons — considered by most to be the Cadillac of colons — whenever I want. ;;;;;;;; See; I can just do that; and then they show up in print!;!;!; It makes me feel powerful. (And don’t get me started on ampersands. &!)
I also get a free subscription to Socialism Weekly, which I read for the articles and not for the risque photos of Bernie Sanders. And each week we’re issued a bucket full of marijuana to smoke during the newsroom’s daily drum circles, where we also drink Kool-Aid delivered fresh from the White House and discuss the best ways to destroy America’s moral fiber.
But my favorite part of the job is the fan mail.
Today I’d like to share some of that mail with you, and answer a few questions along the way. These are all real, but I left the names off to protect the privacy of my admirers.
Email: “Do you seriously believe the things you put in a major newspaper, and do you get paid good money for this biased junk time after time?”
Thanks so much for writing! A lot of people wonder the same thing.
I do get paid for my biased junk, but it’s not a traditional salary. The math gets a little complicated, but it works out to roughly $20 per liberal lie, with a $50-per-column bonus if I include a plug for any of the following subjects: gay rights; gun control; or President Barack Hussein Obama’s popular free-lobster-for-poor-people plan.
Along with that, I receive an annual bonus of $2,000 if I attend at least two of the Obama administration’s Left-Wing Media Tyranny training sessions, held regularly at the president’s secret madrassa in California.
I hope that clears things up a bit.
Facebook comment: “I won’t even read what this Fool has to say. It’s just to take up column space.”
You’re absolutely right. I work very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very hard to take up as much column space as possible. And thank you for recognizing that “Fool” is capitalized — it’s a proper noun.
Email regarding a recent column on GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump: “PLEASE REALIZE YOU ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH TRUMP. … WE ARE A NATION OF PEOPLE ON WELFARE, UNEMPLOYMENT AND TAKING HAND OUTS FRON THE GOVERNMENT. … TRUMP IS THE LEASE OF OUR CONCERNS.”
THANK YOU FOR THIS NOTE! I AGREE THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY HAND OUTS FRON THE GOVERNMENT AND TRUMP IS DEFINITELY LEASING OUR CONCERNS. I JUST HOPE HE DOESN’T BUY THEM. #TRUMP2016 #TYRANNY #ALLCAPS #USA
Another email on the same Trump column: “I rarely read your column, as I told you before. Todays once again exposes you as a petulant 8 yr. old disguised in an adult, not sure which sex, body. I do not know anyone who would sign their name to this childish crap. When is your contract up? Hypocrisy is dishonest, feigned hypocrisy is not funny. Your columns suck. You are an idiot. Grow up.”
Thank you for this thoughtful note and for your staunch commitment to not using apostrophes. They are the devil’s punctuation. I am actually a petulant 44-year-old, but I’m glad my youthful good looks fooled you!
I don’t actually have a contract. I just file childish, crappy columns and then they put a few pellets in my food dish. It’s a livin’.
A final email regarding the Trump column: “Donald Trump is a MAN, a businessman — and a true American — and he will be our next president. Here is hoping that you ignorant excuses for human beings in your windy city continue to shoot each other with the rapidity of late and do the rest of the country a favor and disappear — and take California and the rest of the mentally ill and handicapped crap with you. Wishing you the worst of fate.”
I really appreciate your analysis of Mr. Trump’s gender and overall Americanness. You seem like a very nice person. And don’t worry, the stuff you write in an email disappears the moment you send it and could never be used to publicly make you look bad. Thanks for reading!
Facebook comment: “Is this supposed to be real reporting. This is about the most dumbest thing of ever seen in my life.”
Agreed. It is probably the most dumbest thing of ever written. My apologies.
Email: “What is your purpose? If being the paper’s resident smart ass is it then you should gain high marks in your next performance review. What a waste of page 3. To bad you cannot run for office so some smart ass can use this public platform to lampoon you. … Thanks for ruining my morning coffee.”
Officially, my title here is Vice President of Smart Assery. But I also answer to “renowned columnist” and “supergenius.”
I appreciate the note. Sorry about the coffee.
That’s all I have room for this time around. Keep that fan mail coming.
Your love lifts me through my day.
