I’m in an interracial relationship with a guy. We’ve been together almost a year, but lately I’ve noticed that he makes little effort to get to know my culture. He’s an avid traveler. He’s very culturally curious about a lot of countries and even went to the extent of learning a language for no other purpose than it being “interesting.” Despite that, he’s not very curious about my cultural background or native language, even though I’ve made an effort into learning his language and teaching him a bit of mine. Is he genuinely interested in who I am as a person (my background, culture, how I was brought up)? He also has an unpleasant opinion about my country after his visit or whenever I mention it, so I’ve began wondering how he actually feels about dating me. —Question via Reddit, edited for length
THREE ANSWERS
Michelle Lopez
Married | 32 | RedEye digital editor | @michelleglopez
This guy seems unpleasant himself, but let’s back it up. Have you ever brought this up to him and told him how you feel about his apathy? Everyone has a different relationship with their own culture. I happen to be fiercely proud of mine, so I know where you are coming from. It seems like he is picking favorites when it comes to his cultural curiosity—which in other scenarios wouldn’t really be that big a deal, it’s his prerogative—but since this is very important to you and you want both your cultural backgrounds to be included in your relationship, it sure as hell matters. No partner should make you question your cultural pride, so if he’s not going to celebrate that about you, you’re better off with someone who will. Plus, if you are doubting he’s even into you after an entire year together, it’s time to say “Boy, Bye”—in whatever language you choose.
Jake Newton
In a relationship | 24 | RedEye designer | @jnewt
Slow it down, slugger. He visited your country? That kind of sounds like he’s made at least a marginal effort to understand you and your culture. That being said, if you’re unhappy about the overall interest in getting to know you and understand you, you should let him know. Ask him why (especially if he’s an inherently curious person) he isn’t that interested in your culture. If your culture means that much to you, it should mean that much to your partner. Who cares if he’s interested in dating you. Consider: Are you interested in dating him?
Shelbie Bostedt
Single | 23 | RedEye online content coordinator | @shelbielbostedt
This is really heavy stuff. Underlying racial tensions aside, your partner should be the last person making you feel unimportant or disregarded for any reason. The fact that he’s making you feel so disrespected for something that is so important to you and who you are as a person is a huge red flag and something that’s not easily fixed. I’m guessing that you’ve made it clear just how important your culture is to you, so the fact that he would so easily cast aside something and somewhere that you hold dear is [bleep]y without thinking about the bigoted undertones that come from him thinking of your culture as somewhat lesser. If you think it’s worth it to sit him down and explain just how not OK his behavior is, then go for it. But no dude is worth letting your self-worth be tarnished every time he disregards a large piece of your identity.
Thanks for reading “Threesome.” Each week, we take a look at a relationship question from the public and have three panelists give their insights. Have a question to ask? Shoot it over to us on Twitter at @redeyechicago or on our Facebook page. If it’s a little more private, feel free to email it to redeye@redeyechicago.com with the word “Threesome” in the subject line.
