“Ask Anna” is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
My fiance (39M) is struggling with my (37F) past romantic experiences. There have been four people in my past, making him the fifth. We’ve been together for a decade and have a child together. He has never been with anyone but me, which could be why he feels this way. I’ve been feeling shamed by his words — he says things like I’ve “been with too many men,” my “mileage is high,” and that he should have “checked my history” before getting involved.
I know some friends have had dozens of partners, so having been with five people seems relatively low, right? Is he overreacting? Should I feel ashamed? I’m unsure of how to proceed and need advice. — Not Understanding Man Being Extremely Rude
Dear NUMBER,
The insecurity and judgment you’re experiencing from your fiance is astounding. You’ve been together 10 years (and have a child!), yet suddenly he’s upset that four other people have seen you naked?
Let’s get the obvious thing out of the way first and foremost: There is absolutely no place for “slut-shaming” in a healthy, respectful relationship. Each one of us has our own unique journey, and that includes past relationships. Nobody has the right to shame you for yours.
According to a study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the average number of sexual partners for American men and women in their lifetime is around 7.2 and 7.9 respectively. The fact that you’ve had four past partners is, statistically speaking, below average.
But more importantly, it shouldn’t matter whether it’s statistically high or low. Each individual’s sexual history is their own personal business.
Your fiance’s comments are not just hurtful, but they also convey a concerning sign of disrespect and lack of understanding. It’s a form of control and manipulation wrapped in the guise of insecurity and gender double standards — and it’s unacceptable.
If I had to guess, I’d say his hurtful comments are a form of juvenile pouting, of him getting “cold feet” and wanting a free pass to have sex with other people before you get married. Or it could be a midlife crisis. Or both! Otherwise, why bring it up now? If you’ve known him for 10 years, then your past sexual history is not a surprise to him.
TLDR: It’s not you, it’s him. He’s feeling bad about himself because his number isn’t higher and once he puts a ring on it, it’s likely going to stay that way.
That said, you deserve respect and understanding from your partner. Here are some actionable steps to help address this issue:
Open communication: It’s crucial to speak honestly with your fiance about how his comments are affecting you. This conversation needs to be compassionate yet firm. Let him know when his words are hurtful and discuss how it damages the trust and intimacy you’ve built together over the years. When expressing these feelings, use statements that start with “I feel …”
For instance, “I feel disrespected and hurt when you make comments about my past.” This form of communication focuses on your feelings rather than making him defensive. It’s not about blaming, but expressing the impact his actions have on you.
Set boundaries: As important as open communication is, setting boundaries is equally vital. Clearly articulate that derogatory remarks or “slut-shaming” are inappropriate and unacceptable. Let him know that respect is fundamental in your relationship. Just as you respect his past and choices, you expect the same treatment.
It might be beneficial to also discuss what will happen if these boundaries are crossed. This could range from ending the conversation, taking some time apart, or in more severe cases, seeking help from a professional (see below) or reconsidering the relationship. Boundaries aren’t about limiting love but preserving respect, and love without respect isn’t love at all.
Seek professional help: If your attempts at open communication and setting boundaries don’t result in any positive changes, consider involving a professional. Therapists or counselors can guide you both through healthy dialogue and understanding. They can offer strategies to facilitate respectful conversations and help address underlying issues that may be causing such behavior. It’s not a sign of a failed relationship but a step towards salvaging and strengthening it by addressing deep-seated issues in a guided, safe and supportive environment.
Remember, self-worth is not determined by one’s past relationships or sexual history. You should never feel ashamed of your past. Strive to maintain mutual respect in your relationship. And if a change is not forthcoming after your efforts, trust your instincts on whether this relationship is the best for you.
Keep holding your head high and know that, above all, you deserve understanding, respect and love.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!
