Dear Eric: I’ve been in a relationship with a man for several years, and in so many ways we truly connect. He’s kind, loyal and we get along beautifully. But lately, I’ve been feeling unsure about where things are headed. It feels like we’re stuck in a place that’s more friendship than partnership, and my heart wants something deeper.
He has a daughter who is 35, and life has been challenging for her. She leans heavily on the people around her, and because he loves his family so much, he often steps in to help. Whether it’s work, childcare, transportation or bills, someone always seems to rescue her, and he carries a lot of that weight. I can see how much stress it puts on him, and it hurts to watch his anxiety rise as he tries to hold everything together.
Recently she started a new job, and instead of using daycare to get her daughter to school, he’s now responsible for the daily school drop-off too. He tries so hard to be there for everyone, but I worry that he’s losing himself in the process.
I care deeply for this man and want a real, committed relationship with him, one where we can build a life together, not just circle around the chaos of others. I’m feeling torn and unsure of what steps to take next.
– Confused In Iowa
Dear Confused: It sounds like it’s very possible for you to get what you’re hoping for without your partner having to compromise his relationship with his daughter, should he feel he needs to keep helping her. But it’s going to take an honest, vulnerable conversation about where you both are and what you want.
One of the privileges of being in a long-term relationship is that you get to know a person through many stages and phases of their life. There can be a lot of joy in discovering who your partner is becoming and falling in love with that person, too. However, this can also be very challenging. It sounds like the demands of your partner’s life are bringing out a new side of him and it’s presenting a challenge for you both.
It can be extremely beneficial to get into the habit of doing relationship check-ins. These can be low-pressure, even joyful, conversations about where each of you is, where you want to go, what’s working, what’s not, and more. Start by having one of these conversations with your partner.
Talk to him about what you’d like your shared future to look like and ask him what he wants. Discuss, in as concrete a way as possible, the things that make you feel like you’re veering more toward friendship and ask him if he feels the same way.
This can help get you on a shared path. Once you’re united in a shared goal for your relationship, it will be easier to make suggestions about boundaries with his daughter.
Dear Eric: Like the writer of “Don’t Need Cheerleading”, I use different mobility aids depending on the outing or the day. I’m in my 30s and have hidden conditions with symptoms, including chronic pain and debilitating fatigue. These devices help me experience more of each day.
I used to feel very self-conscious switching between devices because I worried people might think I was faking. A few people have commented on it – so far only in well-meaning ways, like “rough day?” or “I’m glad to see things are getting better!” My sense is that they’re trying to acknowledge that my lived experience is different from theirs.
What’s helped me feel less self-conscious is decorating my devices with stickers. My favorite reads “Invisible Illness Warrior.” I like to think it raises awareness without me having to use my limited energy to educate. Plus, some of my stickers are just funny. They lift my spirits.
I don’t know if this approach would help the writer, but I thought I’d share in case it helps anyone feel less alone.
– Making Invisible Visible
Dear Visible: Thank you for this great suggestion. This letter and an earlier letter in which a person with a cochlear implant expressed frustration about people always asking about it (“Please Don’t Ask,” raise an important point. Even though questions about a perceived difference or an assistive device may be well-intentioned, the asker should make sure that questions in general or comments are welcome. And they should be prepared to pivot should the answer to “can I ask a question about your device” turn out to be “no, thank you.”
The stickers that you use sound like a great way of redirecting attention, well-meaning and otherwise, as well as helping people to contextualize what they’re seeing without having to ask you a lot of questions about it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
