Dear Eric: I have had the same best friend for the majority of our lives and today I am confused and saddened due to a huge change in our relationship.
For most of those years we were each other’s therapist, helping each other through a series of very trying times. No secrets and a lot of honesty. She is historically fragile, now suffering stress from a work issue caused by her manager. This happened years before, in such a serious way that my friend had to take a three-month medical leave of absence due to what was likely a nervous breakdown.
I am confused because now my friend won’t enlighten me with any details. During Covid she and I began doing FaceTime once a week (we live 100 miles apart). These meetings have become for me more like an obligation.
She works from home, has little to talk about, whereas my life is full and complicated. So, I’m doing most of the talking. A few times a year she and I meet for a day of shopping and a long lunch. My friend has always been ultra-sensitive, easily offended, misconstruing my questions. So, I in turn keep things inside, especially lately.
We are at an impasse, damned if I say something, damned if I don’t. I am very frustrated. I wonder if perhaps we need a break from the weekly FaceTime. Or, has this friendship reached its expiration date?
– Missing My Old Bestie
Dear Bestie: From your letter, it sounds like you’ve always had to censor yourself around your friend, at least a little bit. So, I wonder if what is feeling like a huge change is actually a slow progression. That’s not to say it’s a lost cause.
Every friendship goes through seasons and it’s clear that, even without knowing the details of what else is going on in her life, this is a season where she feels more isolated. Even though you want and have tried to be there for her, there just may be a narrative playing in her head that tells her to keep it all in.
You can address it, gently, in a state of the friendship conversation. Use “I” statements and try not to make broad generalizations. “I would like to share more with you and hear more about what’s going on in your life, but I feel sometimes that that’s not what you want. Have I got it wrong?”
True, she could also take these questions the wrong way, but at least you’d be opening up the door for clearer communication.
Another option is to ask that you pivot your conversations to a topic or activity, like a book club or a TV club. Something that you both can have opinions and thoughts about that may feel less like a minefield.
Dear Eric: I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the “epidemic of loneliness” we keep hearing about. After a few recent outings, I’ve come to a frustrating realization: for many, loneliness isn’t caused by a lack of people in their lives, but by a profound lack of social and emotional skills.
I’ve spent time recently with two friends out of a sense of obligation because they are both quite lonely. However, witnessing their interactions was eye-opening. In one instance, a woman shared her beautiful wedding dress with us. My reaction was genuine excitement; my friend’s reaction was a flat, “Oh, uh-huh.” In another, a mutual friend announced her pregnancy. While I was celebrating the news, the other “lonely” friend’s only comment was about the mother’s weight gain, before immediately pivoting the conversation back to photos of her new car.
It’s exhausting. These individuals struggle to get “into” someone else’s life. They don’t seem to realize that you get out of relationships what you put into them. They are standing in the middle of a social circle, yet they remain isolated because they lack the ability to provide emotional resonance or celebrate anyone other than themselves. It makes me wonder – can people like this actually be helped, or are they destined to stay lonely because they can’t see past their own reflection?
– Less Lonely
Dear Less Lonely: Communication and empathy go a really long way in relationships. It’s possible that these friends lack social skills, yes, but it’s also possible that they’re engaging in a way that feels comfortable for them. Everyone has different levels of enthusiasm and different conversational needs. In relationships and friendships, it behooves us all to ask for what we need, especially if we’re starting to experience resentment. So, the next time one of your friend’s comments rubs you wrong, consider kindly but directly saying something to them using “I” statements. If they don’t know they’re exhausting you, they can’t fix it or address it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
