Dear Eric: My spouse is unable to say “Oops, sorry.” He automatically denies having done the thing or blames me or my son – even if he literally just did it in front of me/us.
It’s been an issue for decades. We first went to counseling because he left a shower head pointing at a weird angle, so water got all over the wall and floor when I turned on the shower. He saw me mopping up and asked why, and I matter-of-factly told him he’d left the shower head pointing out of the shower. I expected a “Whoops! Sorry about that.” (Which would have resolved everything instantly.)
Instead, he took a snippy tone and asked, “Why didn’t you check the position of the shower head before you turned on the water?”
Over the years, this pattern has recurred. Recently, he wasn’t flushing the toilet regularly. I asked him nicely not to leave number-twos behind for me to find, and he responded with an aggressive “You don’t know that it was me!” (I had just seen him leave the bathroom.)
I have repeatedly tried asking him to remain calm and explaining that this behavior causes me to lose respect for him and that it damages our relationship. I have explained DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to him.
Counselors have in the past put the onus on me to preface any negative feedback with a request that he not rile up. Which works pretty well, assuming I have enough emotional presence of mind to pre-regulate him as I am also regulating myself.
Help! This affects me cumulatively. Every time he does it, I feel angrier.
– “The Divorce Came out of Nowhere”
Dear Out of Nowhere: You’ve done so much work to address an issue that isn’t really yours to fix in the first place. I’m confused about the advice you got from counselors, but not being privy to what was said, I’m just going to stay out of that.
Nevertheless, you shouldn’t have to ask him not to fly off the handle when you make a request. This is, in part, a communication issue. But if he’s not willing or able to work with you to find new means of communication, you’re stuck holding the bag.
Behaviors like leveraging his anger at you or denying facts are tactics that can signal an emotionally abusive relationship. These behaviors make having a productive discussion or peaceable relationship untenable.
Because you’ve tried so many remedies, it’s hard to see a path forward. I’m curious, however, if in any of your counseling you worked on defining what negative feedback is, what it sounds like to each other and how the other person’s temperament and other life experiences might create a skewed perception. It seems like, in these situations you’re offering information and he’s responding as if he’s being attacked. Going down to the base level of what is actually being said and what your shared objectives are might help.
Dear Eric: I am writing for the first time because I was intrigued by the question from “Happy Life” who wanted to hear more from happy people about how to find fulfillment in life.
You were so right to focus on gratitude. Listing and counting our blessings are great strategies. Happiness is a gift.
I’ve found that I get a double boost of happiness from passing the gift on to others. I try to thank as many people as possible, and being specific seems to work best.
Family relationships improve when you thank your spouse for preparing a good dinner or mowing the lawn or even cleaning the bathroom. If you thank your children when they do something helpful or kind, they may surprise you by picking up the habit and thanking you.
Tell a friend how much you appreciate their good listening skills or the way they ask great questions. They may not know they have that strength unless you tell them. I feel good when I actually make that phone call or write that thank you note. Making someone feel appreciated is double happiness for us both.
My mother said it best. When her husband died right before their 50th anniversary, her friends wanted to know how she managed to keep her positive attitude after such a painful loss. Mom told them, “Every day I do something nice for someone else. Then I do something nice for me.” Simple but profound. I try to follow Mom’s advice, and it works for me.
– A Grateful Reader
Dear Reader: Thank you for this wonderful letter. I love putting gratitude in action. And you’re right, it does so much good to let people know that you see them, and you appreciate them. I’m going to take this to heart and I’m sure many readers will as well.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
