As deputy editor and beauty director at Allure magazine, Kristin Perrotta hears the various exploits of women trying to make themselves more attractive to their men. Among the requests she frequently hears from men: longer hair, a change in perfumes and ditching the sticky lip gloss (something she did).
But when Perrotta overheard a woman in her professional circle of friends disclose that keeping her bangs was written into her prenuptial agreement, she knew it had gone too far.
“My first instinct was, ‘This can’t be true. Could there possibly be a woman–a professional, adult woman with her own mind–who would actually sign a piece of paper allowing her husband to dictate her hairstyle?’ “
The answer–more often than most women would care to admit–may be yes.
We’re not talking personality overhauls or religious conversions, but physical fine-tuning: highlights and lowlights, fresh-faced or sultry makeup, push-up bras and low-rider jeans. Maybe he likes French manicures, or hints that a bikini wax would turn him on.
Kelly Beu, 22, complied with one boyfriend’s penchant for cotton underwear–even though she was a lacy panty girl. Catherine Potts, 31, recently switched perfumes when her boyfriend of nine years hinted that he found her signature scent too sweet. And one 24-year-old suburban woman found herself wearing a long-sleeve wedding dress to satisfy her fiance’s idea of a picture-perfect bride–on a sticky, 88-degree Chicago summer day.
It appears women everywhere bend over backward to satisfy the seemingly superficial requests of their significant others. The question is, why?
According to evolutionary psychologist David Buss, author of “The Evolution of Desire” (Basic Books, $17.50), these measures, designed to amplify allure, all fall under a rather unsexy sounding moniker: “mate retention tactics.”
“Attracting a mate is one thing; keeping a mate is another,” Buss said. “There’s a 50 percent divorce rate in the U.S. and even among those who stay married, there is a substantial infidelity rate. If you add it up, the problem of keeping a mate is a substantial one. So people engage in tactics designed to keep their partner.”
Although bangs-in-the-prenup may push the limits of convention, we all engage in more typical mate retention efforts every day, Buss said.
Kerry Corso, a Chicago-based esthetician, can attest to that. “No. 1, hands-down, the thing women do for men is the Brazilian bikini wax,” Corso said. She estimates 95 percent of her clients get waxed “because my boyfriend asked for it.” One client even requested a “T,” in honor of her boyfriend, Tom.
A third party
These sorts of strategies, designed to enhance one’s value to a partner as a part of everyday relationship maintenance, also can be employed when a third party becomes interested in your partner, Buss said. Clara Harris, the Texas woman recently convicted of killing her adulterous husband by running over him with a Mercedes, told jurors that after learning of the affair, she joined a gym, scheduled breast augmentation and liposuction procedures, cooked her husband’s favorite meals and had sex with him numerous times a day. All, she said, in an attempt to save her marriage. And all classic mate retention tactics.
So where does one draw the line between thoughtful attempts to please your mate and behavior that is potentially destructive?
“The most important thing is the woman has to have good self-esteem and really value herself,” said Kate Wachs, a Chicago psychologist and author of “Relationships For Dummies” (John Wiley & Sons, $21.99). “Someone with good self-esteem, when they cut their hair or wear a certain dress, they don’t feel like they’re changing their `selves.'”
Potts, for instance, was OK with switching perfumes, but that’s about her limit. “It’s walking that fine line between something that’s superficial and something that changes you as a person,” she said. “You don’t want to have your appearance dictated or feel like your boyfriend’s interest in you requires you to make changes.”
Willing to do anything
But what about the woman who is willing to do anything–such as one 25-year-old Chicagoan who waxes all her body hair and wears a full face of makeup at all times, because her boyfriend tells her to?
“If she thinks it’s kind of cool [to wax her body] and it’s not going to itch like crazy when it grows back, then fine,” Wachs said. “But when you’re willing to change everything, it’s usually an indication that you have poor self-esteem and you’re willing to do almost anything so that someone will love you.”
Not only is this unhealthy, Wachs said, it rarely works. Showing the other person you are amenable to every request paves the way for a loss of respect and, ultimately, a doomed relationship.
Buss agreed, saying above-and-beyond efforts like breast augmentation or mandatory bikini waxing imply a disturbing discrepancy between what he wants and what she’s providing. “If someone has to go to that much effort, maybe they’re better off with another partner.”
Furthermore, why does all of that effort always seem to fall squarely on the woman’s shoulders? For instance, while Corso’s clients are waxing initials, downward-pointing arrows and Valentine’s Day hearts, one would be hard-pressed to find a man doing the same.
The reason finds its roots in a culmination of cultural, environmental and innate factors. “Men place a greater premium than women on physical attractiveness,” Buss said. “We may not like that, but there are good evolutionary reasons why that is.” Physical appearance provides a wealth of information about a woman’s youth, health and, hence, fertility. There are even theories that men are drawn to large breasts because they are viewed as an indicator of healthy nursing ability.
In males, however, characteristics like intelligence, drive and financial status are key indicators of mate potential.
The issue boils down to this: It’s up to each woman to decide where she draws the line, and whether she wants to use thin, thick or waterproof eyeliner.
“There are plenty of things, obviously, women do exclusively for themselves,” Perrotta said. “But it’s also naive to think we don’t do anything to satisfy the man in our lives. It’s natural.” And should you choose to battle evolution, it helps to have a sassy comeback, like Potts: “Most decisions about my appearance should be mine–and he should just like them. Besides, I don’t say to him, `You’d be sexier if you wore tighter jeans.'”
