Dear Eric: I have been married for 20 years. My husband has been on a downward spiral for the last five years. He bought a motorcycle at that time, and since then goes out every weekend barhopping, and comes home totally drunk.
We haven’t had sex in nine months, (I have begged him) and he refuses to go to marriage counseling or a therapist for himself. I am terrified he will get in an accident or get arrested. I am financially unable to leave him and am ready to hide his motorcycle keys.
I don’t know what else to do. He has no family or friends, aside from his drinking buddies. I read your column every day, and believe you give sound, thoughtful advice.
– Desperate Wife
Dear Wife: If your husband is driving his motorcycle drunk or tipsy, he is posing a threat to himself and others and someone needs to intervene. Since he won’t listen to you, I’d strongly encourage you to contact your local Department of Motor Vehicles and submit a complaint about this pattern of behavior. Many, if not most, Departments of Motor Vehicles will allow you to make an anonymous report if you suspect a driver is unfit for various reasons. The DMV will then investigate, which can provide you with some of the support you need without making you solely responsible for corralling his behavior.
If he is going out tonight, this week, this month and coming back drunk, you need to contact the police. I know that you fear he’ll get arrested, but that is a consequence he’d be bringing on himself. And, in the balance, it’s a far better consequence than him getting injured or killed or causing someone else’s death.
It’s very possible there is something else happening here. It’s not clear from your letter whether he’s struggling with alcoholism or if there is another mental or medical issue, or both. However, there is help available. Talk to your primary care physician about what you’re seeing and experiencing or reach out to your local Department of Aging if your husband is a senior. They can connect you with a social worker or other professionals who can evaluate your husband’s behavior and offer remedies.
Additionally, please take steps to protect yourself. Talk to a financial adviser or even a divorce lawyer about what guardrails you can put in place for your safety and security.
Dear Eric: I am a 17-year-old student from India. I have been struggling with my studies for a long time, and I do not feel confident or interested in the traditional school system. Honestly, I feel like I am not good at studies, and continuing school sometimes feels like a waste of my time and my family’s money.
I don’t believe in the idea of working a 9-to-5 job for my whole life, sitting in an office and working for a limited income. I have bigger ambitions – I want to become rich and achieve something significant in life. I don’t feel that the traditional path will help me reach that goal.
At the same time, I strongly believe in myself and my dreams. I feel confident that if I fully focus on what I truly want to do, I can achieve success. However, I am also confused and worried about whether leaving my studies would be the right decision or not.
Should I continue my studies while working on my dreams, or should I take the risk and fully pursue what I believe in?
– Struggling Student
Dear Student: Non-traditional paths don’t always have to completely reject tradition. Indeed, there’s an adage that says you have to know the rules to break them. Because you’re at the beginning of your journey (and I know it doesn’t feel like the beginning), it’s wise to operate in two lanes at once for a bit until you see a clear next step. The next step is so important. Enthusiasm and determination will get you far but planning and strategy will help you maintain a successful career.
Sometimes, being in a place that’s not a great fit gives us good information about what we need to thrive. Don’t be afraid to talk to teachers, family members and mentors about what’s not working for you with school.
At the same time, study people who are in the industry into which you want to go. It’s about more than getting rich. It’s about building something that will sustain you and keep challenging you. Be rigorous about learning the steps that they took to get to where they are. This will help you plot your own path. There’s risk involved in everything, but you can mitigate some of that risk by treating your dreams as if they are the course of study that you’re determined to get an A in.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
