Parents of toddlers know that teaching their children manners is an ongoing challenge. Young kids have to be constantly reminded to share, to “play nice” and to say “please” and “thank you.”
Children aren’t born with a desire to express thanks — as parents, we teach it to them. But it turns out that gratitude may be more than just good manners. New research shows that it can provide emotional and physical benefits.
Gratitude, however, encompasses more than simply appreciating something that has happened, said Gitendra Uswatte, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. “We don’t think of gratitude as simply saying thank you or being appreciative,” Uswatte said. “It’s an emotion that reflects thankfulness for benefits received from other individuals, nature or a higher being,” he said.
In a study published last year, Uswatte and his coauthors studied two groups of Vietnam War veterans: those with post-traumatic stress disorder and those without. While on average, veterans with PTSD had lower levels of gratitude than vets without PTSD, those who expressed gratitude more often reported higher levels of life satisfaction than others. In another study, participants who regularly listed five things they were grateful for felt better about their lives and had fewer physical complaints than people who listed five neutral events.
Yet adults and children alike tend to take the good things in our life for granted or to focus on what we don’t have. Teaching your children to be more appreciative can help give them a different perspective on what we do have, Uswatte said.
Heather Isacson, a Downers Grove mom of four children ages 2 to 10 years, said it’s important for her children to feel — and express — gratitude.
“In our family, [gratitude] is to be thankful for what we have and to make our children understand the difference between needs and wants … and not to forget about things that we have that other people don’t have,” Isacson said. That attitude extends to saying thanks. In addition to sending thank-you notes for gifts, her older children write personal notes to their sports coaches at the end of the season.
Though they do get gifts from relatives, the Isacsons don’t ask for gifts from other kids at their birthday parties; instead guests are asked to bring something that can be donated to needy families. For example, for Noah’s 10th birthday in August, he asked his guests to bring school supplies, which he helps his mom deliver to Sharing Connections, a local charity, and local schools. Clay, 8, celebrates his birthday in January and has had guests bring mittens, hats and gloves for people who need them.
So what can you do to encourage your kids to be more grateful? Simply asking your child, “What good things happened to you today?” is an easy way to start, Uswatte said. That helps your child focus on positive aspects in life.
Of course, as a parent you’re a role model, and if you’re appreciative of others, your children are likely to follow in your example. Help your young kids write thank-you notes, and explain that thanking the gift-giver makes that person feel happy. Make it a point to say “thank you” more often, and your children will too.
Your efforts are likely to go beyond producing well-mannered children. “Consider the research showing that this is a strength that is strongly linked to life satisfaction, so adults who are high in gratitude tend to be highly satisfied with their lives,” he said. “For most parents, their strongest wish is for their child to be happy — and this is a quality that’s been strongly linked to happiness.”
